#1
I knew jack roman, and he did die by his own hands. I was a thousand miles away at the time and my friends bore the brunt of his death without me to support them. I do not know how to scratch these feelings of guilt into awkward english words. This is another attempt.


i swear if i turned
december 25 new snow rust cellar hinges
coffins bloat with god and water
drop pesos in guitar case
to make white boy smile,
up here
jack roman committed suicide
in the winter
i dont pray so much,
god is god of knives and
blue room dances grinding
dark room sing sing in a developing snapshot
so i become a prison guard
soap up murderers in the shower
cower in the whiteface camera
and when my wife turns the light on
in the basement with the maggots
in the basement with the young
in the basement with the bodies
in the bodies with the infants's tongues
they will never speak
if i can help it steel
iron zinc neutron smear
osmosis reggae pound basslines sweet
bluegrass
greyhounds sniffing maple leaves
looking for martyr
that they would find
if they did not have to stop to eat
low hanging fruit
that fills a carnal carcass full bloodshot eyes
can burn the tape recorder
Last edited by #1 synth at Dec 3, 2011,
#2
Powerful. But you know, I like your introduction to it "I knew jack roman, and he did die by his own hands" etc., just as much as your lyrics. Perhaps, that may tell you something?
not going viral


Hot E-Cousin of rjaylaf

Non Evil E-Twin of stealstrings

E-NEMESIS of deathdrummer
#4
Man, you wordriff so good.
they will never speak
if i can help it steel
iron zinc neutron smear
osmosis reggae pound basslines sweet
bluegrass
greyhounds sniffing maple leaves
Particularly fine was the speak/steel/smear constructing "steal" in my mind. Tasty.

peace

PS You probably know how I feel about your use of commas to create full stops (line 5 and again line 9), so I won't bring it up.
Nothing to see here. Move along.
Last edited by Nilchii at Dec 3, 2011,
#6
Quote by #1 synth



iron zinc neutron smear
osmosis reggae pound basslines sweet
bluegrass


I'm personally not a fan of these two lines, I think they're a bit too image-heavy and I don't really get much out of them other than the punch of the sounds themselves. Which, in itself, is fairly powerful, but it just seems to be a bit out of touch with the rest of the piece. like you might have just thrown it in there for the need for something harsh and cathartic, but couldn't settle on a specific action or image.

I don't know if this was intentional, but the use of "sing sing" and prison within two different lines was great, the connection wasn't obvious but it's there. all in all, I definitely felt your emotion and anger strongly, it really came through in a powerful way.
art tumblr

If I'm not raw, I'm just a bit underdone.