#1
so im having kind of a crappy day and wrote some stuff. not really sure on the order of the verses or about whats the chorus or not but just thought i'd see if anyone else thought it was good. and i know its pretty cliche stuff...


sometimes i'm afraid
that if i open my mouth
my heart will pour out
and you'll leave to go south

because i know i don't compete
and your only here to see
if maybe someday i will
but i dont see what you see

i'll like you today
and i'll like you tomorrow
but thats never good enough
so i sit in my sorrow

i want to just be around you
your smile rivals the sun
and your laugh shakes my soul
i could ave sworn you were the one

so im just gonna sit and wait
on the parkbench where i met you
to see if someone else can make
make me upset like you do

you cant take away the way i feel
the wasting of my inner soul
cause you dont want to be around me
and thats nothing i can control

this is an untitled emotion
an invisible aggravation
an unsung kinetic motion
and a cliche situation

the heart in my chest is hurting
my stomache is in a knot
my eyes are humidifying the air
cause i really liked you alot
#2
I'll leave the more specific issues for others to work with. My only suggestion is that you take these lyrics and put them in free verse. That old ABAB rhyme scheme just doesn't fit with the ranting nature of this. Start over (or for when the next time you do this), but this time prioritizing flow and sticking to a solid thought. And you can do without the mixed metaphors.


MOCOSO LIKE ME