#1
lately, i'm really terrified.

in the deadened, overlooked spaces
there are answers
barely out of sight
boots turning a corner, hair followflowing
under our car seats, tangled in the wires
dangling on still tagged clothing on hangers
barely out of earshot
in the grating screech of tires braking
fading whispers of speech
hmmming feedback of unplugged cords
between d and e flat
somewhere
there must be answers to lead me
to discovering the colossal secret
the world is nursing
the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn


#2
This is a completely personal thing, generally not agreed with by others, but I hate words to mimic sounds. Hmmming made me cringe. The line "somewhere" didn't sit well with me either, if it was to slow the pacing for the ending, it worked to its end but could've been done more eloquently.
The rhythm is flawless and I'm not going to go over the positives and excellent imagery because you're already up for WOTM, you don't need me to tell you that :P
Music is an art form that celebrates potential. So long as you're looking for it, you'll always find it.
#3
grassyass for the critique.
i'd justify hmmming by saying that writing humming feedback is redundant; sort of like saying the night was dark. of course i could have searched for another word, but rah. i can also see your point though on how it can have its negative effects.
the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn


#4
I really enjoyed the tone and flow of this piece, i found it to be very well written. the imagery was very nicely placed throughout and painted a clear picture not of images per say, but of emotion, which is a much more difficult feat that you accomplished well here.

Unlike Mr. Pink i actually liked the use of the "hmmming" sound, thought it was a nice addition personally, and after reading your above post it makes even more sense then it did earlier.

Overall, very enjoyable read, so thanks for that! If you get a moment, C4C? would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks! https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1501724
Too lazy to come up with a clever or relevant sig.
#5
Quote by Cobrevolution


dangling on still tagged clothing on hangers


I really love how this line kind of turned in on itself with "dangling on" and then ending it with "on hangers".

if anything, I think you could expand on this with a few more well-placed details to really describe that state of heightened awareness that comes with paranoia.
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If I'm not raw, I'm just a bit underdone.