I started this for an acoustic piece with cello that I have. Any comments would be awesome

So this is it
End of my line
I hear it gets better with time
I hope your right
I hope I'm wrong
I hope I make it through this song

You held me close and you held me tight
Now lets depart as I take my life
And I know I'm right and I know your wrong
But I can't shake feeling that this is my fault
As the sky grows dark and you know your worth
Hide knowing death has walked the earth
On that fateful night with my gun in hand
And you begged your life to a heartless man
5150 III 100W, Mesa 4x12 Cab, Framus Cobra Cab, M-Audio Profire 610, ISA One Pre, SC607-b, Equator D5's, Countryman Type 85 Di box, Radial JCR, Superior Drummer, SSD 4 Ex, TS9, NS-2 and the list goes on and on
Last edited by Tig Bitties at Dec 10, 2011,
I like it. I think you could flesh out the build up to the last couple lines. Starting where you say "As the sky grows dark..." I think you could build up to the climax a little more. It sort of jumps from there to death. The abruptness can be good if that's your choice, but I think there's room to lead up to that part of the story and boil it slow if you want.

More about what kind of night it is, and where the characters are. Dark alley? Frozen mountain top? Room in a falling apart apartment building?

I think you can give more to the girl at the very end of the story, as well. I don't have any context for the last line.

My Tumblr: Lots of artist recommendations, album reviews, and ideas about music (as well as some film and bike stuff).

Go Sharks! Go Wings! Go Flyers! Go Kings!