#1
Untitled
I am looking for something, something that lasts for longer than
Tomorrow,
I don’t feel like chasing, chasing you no more
I know I deserve so much more, I am not worthy this no more
But I keep feeling this damn basic instinct,
Im sorry this cannot be controlled!
Ref
Girl I want you so freaking bad
Im looking for something, something that ****ing lasts!
This burning feeling is unstoppable!
This basic instinct is unstoppable!
Im tired of thinking with my dick, not my brain, it is unstoppable!
Im sorry, it cannot be controlled!
Im sorry!
<- Instrumental/solo-ish
Vers
I think I have slept, slept here for too long.
Oh,I see what I did wrong; all I wanted was to get inside of your ****ing thong.
Wherever I go I’m never in time
You aren’t a friend of mine, you twisted, boxed-in little bitchy mind,
But I keep feeling this damn basic instinct,
Im sorry this cannot be controlled!
Im sorry!

Refr
Girl I want you so freaking bad
Im looking for something, something that ****ing lasts!
This burning feeling is unstoppable!
This basic instinct is unstoppable!
Im tired of thinking with my dick, not my brain, it is unstoppable!
Im sorry, it cannot be controlled!
Im sorry!

Instrumental à la Wes Borland 

Brygga

I gotta make that hook-up come through, you didn’t know you got lied to,
We could have hit the ceiling of the sky, we were about to fly high.
But, my wings turned into wax!

Refr
Girl I want you so freaking bad
Im looking for something, something that ****ing lasts!
This burning feeling is unstoppable!
This basic instinct is unstoppable!
Im tired of thinking with my dick, not my brain, it is unstoppable!
Im sorry, it cannot be controlled!
**** it!
Last edited by Lyrax at Dec 12, 2011,
#3
Quote by TedBertaux
So basically you decided to exert all of your hornyness on some song lyrics?

There are worse lyrics man. Im honest right? Im not that horny, its some stuff that can happen occasionally..
#4
Quote by TedBertaux
So basically you decided to exert all of your hornyness on some song lyrics?
Stop with your crap and degrading posts.
#5
I'm sorry, but I thought this was poor. And thats being mild. Think of songs you like, go and look ast the way they're structured and try and emulate them. It will get you used to the fundamentals of songwriting. After that, try and develop something of your own style.

And unlike you did with this piece, write about what you know.
You take my place in the showdown, I observe with a pitiful eye. I'll humbly ask you forgiveness, a request well beyond you and I.
#6
Quote by Bag'ed
I'm sorry, but I thought this was poor. And thats being mild. Think of songs you like, go and look ast the way they're structured and try and emulate them. It will get you used to the fundamentals of songwriting. After that, try and develop something of your own style.

And unlike you did with this piece, write about what you know.

So it was really that bad? What can i change with the structure?
#7
Quote by Lyrax
So it was really that bad? What can i change with the structure?

Yes, to be honest. It seemed to be more of a rant about a fantasy than actual poetry/lyrics. My advice? Read. And listen to bands that have complex lyrics, and I don't mean to sound like some hipster douche, but the less well known the band is the better the lyrics (at least in my experience). Usually when writing, I try not to be too profane as that turns the reader off (not that I have any problem with swearing, obviously).


There was one line in this piece that I actually liked, it's:

"You aren’t a friend of mine, you twisted, boxed-in little bitchy mind,"

There was another line that I feel has potential yet wasn't well executed, the one about wings turning to wax. That line needs some clarification. You generally have a good idea of how to make things flow with rhyme, just work on making the pieces a bit more original and not as cliche. And your meter is off in some places.

Good luck and keep writing
#8
Quote by ali.guitarkid7
Yes, to be honest. It seemed to be more of a rant about a fantasy than actual poetry/lyrics. My advice? Read. And listen to bands that have complex lyrics, and I don't mean to sound like some hipster douche, but the less well known the band is the better the lyrics (at least in my experience). Usually when writing, I try not to be too profane as that turns the reader off (not that I have any problem with swearing, obviously).


There was one line in this piece that I actually liked, it's:

"You aren’t a friend of mine, you twisted, boxed-in little bitchy mind,"


There was another line that I feel has potential yet wasn't well executed, the one about wings turning to wax. That line needs some clarification. You generally have a good idea of how to make things flow with rhyme, just work on making the pieces a bit more original and not as cliche. And your meter is off in some places.

Good luck and keep writing

I agree with this. That line is really quite good. I also agree that the song in general needs work, but possibly not as much work as some might say.

I am writing for the first time this year, and reading the advice that comes onto this board, you have to take it all with a grain of salt. Everyone has their own opinion about what style you should use, etc....but they give you this advice without knowing the style of music you play, or the style of song you are trying to create.

These are all determining factors in how you write lyrics. The keys are to choose a theme, and choose a style - it could be anything from brooding dark abstract poetry to limerick style lyrics with a certain meter. you could be writing something agressive or something comedic. The key is to do more with less and think about how you can get your ideas across without going overboard.

Frankly the simplest line, like "I want you" is more likely to be part of a good song than "I want you so freakin bad"...just because it means so much more if you just sing it with the right effect, with half the words.

Lyrics are definitely important, but just as important is the tune and feeling that you put to the lyrics when you sing them.

And lastly, I also agree with this :

Good luck and keep writing
#9
Quote by ali.guitarkid7
Yes, to be honest. It seemed to be more of a rant about a fantasy than actual poetry/lyrics. My advice? Read. And listen to bands that have complex lyrics, and I don't mean to sound like some hipster douche, but the less well known the band is the better the lyrics (at least in my experience). Usually when writing, I try not to be too profane as that turns the reader off (not that I have any problem with swearing, obviously).


There was one line in this piece that I actually liked, it's:

"You aren’t a friend of mine, you twisted, boxed-in little bitchy mind,"

There was another line that I feel has potential yet wasn't well executed, the one about wings turning to wax. That line needs some clarification. You generally have a good idea of how to make things flow with rhyme, just work on making the pieces a bit more original and not as cliche. And your meter is off in some places.

Good luck and keep writing

Thanks for the legit critique. Ill tell ya what this song is about..
Well, when im together with a girl i quickly lose my feelings for her and im left with my urge just to sleep with her and thats wrong according to me.
I lie to her and say that i love her while i dont even like her anymore but i only want the nookie. So i break up because i feel bad for it, And it has happened a couple of times.

"I gotta make that hook-up come through, you didn’t know you got lied to,
We could have hit the ceiling of the sky, we were about to fly high.
But, my wings turned into wax!"
"But my wings turned into wax" means that i failed it and fell, you know.

I dont usually dont use metafors that much but im feeling that part actually. Everything I write is honest. I know what it means to me but some people dont understand what the lines mean so im asking you guys for some feedback since you obviously are more experienced that i am.

Why does it seem like a rant about a fantasy rather than lyrics? You can be honest about what i could change in the lyrics!