#1
amorous mouth dripped with your mind's nectar
sweet and complex and sparkling like dew -
should i store it in viles, travel miles from here
speak of wealth in windy farm towns untapped
a rapture inexperienced, untamed and uncouth
but so rich in intrigue that i cannot resist
(they cannot resist)

mais non -
i'll instead grab your hands (etched heavy with work)
fetch every last drop on my tongue and digress
from this world that so carefully watches your moves
from film reels and swatches of heat femme confess -
i'll lap up your secrets and hide them away in
my flesh my skin my bones & my whims
til your fingers search for nothing more than
what they could possibly grasp from within.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#2
i like the little bits of unconventionality (mais non, heat femme confess), the flow, word choice, vocabulary, all that.

were the misspellings deliberate? that is, were "viles" and "inexperienced" wordplay?
the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn


Last edited by Cobrevolution at Dec 16, 2011,
#3
this was a lot more like it, a really grand bit of word choice and a nice tick-tock.

I'd say in fact a little too much tick-tock and think the rather structure form hindered rather than helped, feel the verse could be bette rbeing freer from the paragraph rather than locked in there, if only to help the reader maximise the meaning from your lexis.
#4
saadia i personally thought this was one of the best things i've ever read from you. so good, you've improved tremendously. i hope you're well. i haven't talked with you in a minute
here, My Dear, here it is
#5
Liked it a lot: not predictable, still felt simple, nice flow.
not going viral


Hot E-Cousin of rjaylaf

Non Evil E-Twin of stealstrings

E-NEMESIS of deathdrummer
#11
thanks so much guys, this means a lot to me. the misspellings are intentional. it's so nice to hear from everyone, please drop a line if you wanna talk soon, much love to my homies and nonhomies alike
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#13
yeah, this was really beautiful. it too made me think of some of the pieces i've written with a bit of french thrown in. the french certainly adds a very nice flavor, tied with your images and the flow... oh la la. good work saadia.