Not sure if you can tell from just written ideas and lyrics but I would like opinions and suggestions on this song idea I've got. It's about this girl who played me about a year ago. A very dark song and I just wanted to know if the lyrics and ideas were any good and NOT cheesy?
Here are most of my notes:

Intro (Quiet clean guitar. Bass with guitar? Piano only?)
She was not, what she seemed
She was u-gly to me
Playing with my mind
And she just wasted my time

Pre-Chorus without vocals

Verse (Quieter verse. Drum and bass only?)
Little did I know the truth that lay
Within her mind and plans
Controlling me and shaking things up (find alternative word for ‘things&rsquo
Friendships, hopes and dreams
Still to this day I don’t know why
She committed such atrocities
She set out to drag me down
But she failed to succeed

Chorus (Not sure)
You set out to bring me down
But you failed in the end
You can’t bring me down
You failed in the end

Fill after chorus? Guitar chords with bass and drums. Palm-mutes? Back to Pre-Chorus?

Verse 2 (Louder/more built up verse. All instruments in)
I’m sickened by the mere thought of her
And I hate being around her
And that smell of cheap perfume
As she tries to sell herself
Sell herself to anyone
Anyone that she can find
And that smell of beer and ash (‘Stench’ instead of smell’?)
That led to her downfall


Solo Pt. 1 (Guitar does same notes as the singer does in chorus. With additional fills?)

Bridge? (Not sure about underlined parts)
After all this time
You are still the same
You lie and cheat your way through life
You will never change your ways
Into the future I gaze
And I see myself complete
And you will begin to rot
From the ways that you live

Solo Pt. 2 (After Bridge?)

Final Chorus? (Echo/Call+response with lead and backing vocals?)
You lost the fight
You lost the battle
You lost the war
You lost in the end

Pre-Chorus/Main riff (End on a D when going into verses)
E ----------------------------------------------
B ----------------------------------------------
G ----------------------------------------------

D -0--0-0-0--0-4-5-0-7-8-0-10-10-8-8-

A -0--0-0-0--0-4-5-0-7-8-0-10-10-8-8-

D -0--0-0-0--0-4-5-0-7-8-0-10-10-8-8-

Verse 2? .... = Palm-Mute
E -------------------------------------------------------------------------------
B -------------------------------------------------------------------------------
G -------------------------------------------------------------------------------
D -4-5-4----------------------------------7-8-0-------------------------------
A -4-5-4----------------------------------7-8-0-------------------------------
D -4-5-4--4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-7-8-0--0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-
..................................... ..................................
Great song. Try to vary the vocab, and play around with each sentences meaning.
she hurts me so much but i like it alot
instead write:
throw me to the dogs
let them eat my flesh down to the wood
it feels so good
when you play around with the song like that it leaves it open for interpretation. The song would be much more interesting. you have got the basic meaning now play around with it.

For example green day wrote a song about making compromise in a relationship, he named it church on sunday. check it out you will see what i mean. if you did this stuff it would be a great ****ing song. i would buy it if it was onacd or somthing