#1
Darker piece than I usually do, but I gave it a shot. I haven't put it to music yet, and might not.

Sometimes I want to scream out
Into the frosty, starry night
From my cracked and peeling waterdamaged studio
Its just on the east side of the tracks

I'm bursting to say my name
Just to know that someone hears it
In between the trains rumbling by
But I know no one's gonna scream back

I want to yell, "my name is Jack,"
"But my mother called me James,"
Because I think everyone should be heard
Should with a flicker of recognition meet

But instead I listen close
To the argument in the place upstairs
I think the girls name is Nina
And her boyfriend's a total deadbeat

Instead I count the minutes
In between the northbound cargo
And the commuter heading south
Between the shivers of my walls

Instead I fall asleep
On a creaking ratty mattress
Thinking that if I can't yell my name
I can write Nina onto a train
And sing it in a concert hall.
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#2
Theres telling us unique details then theres really awkward phrases like "from my waterdamaged studio".

This reads really oddly in pace, and some of your syntax is bizarre, especially "Should with a flicker of recognition meet". Work on finding a beat - make sure you're reading aloud.
#3
Yeah, I hate that particular sentence. Still trying to find a workaround. Thanks for the heads up; I still haven't really toyed around with putting this one to music.
language
jazyk
kieli
язык
العربية


My Tumblr: Lots of artist recommendations, album reviews, and ideas about music (as well as some film and bike stuff).

Go Sharks! Go Wings! Go Flyers! Go Kings!