#1
This is my first song hope you like it. Please review its strengths and weaknesses. Please rate 1-10

CONTROL

Hey mister what do see
When you look at me
My conscience has gone down the drain

****ed up and spun out in my room
Im moving to a different tune
Than your society

Ive lost all sense of control
My mind has taken its toll
and now i dont care what you see

Hey mister what do you see
When you look at me
Im like a demon in your eyes

**** off and die
I hope you cry
Im not gonna step in line

Ive lost all sense of control
My mind has taken its toll
And now i dont care what you see

(Bridge)

Ive lost all sense of control
My mind has taken its toll
And now I dont care what you see
Last edited by sumday182 at Dec 14, 2011,
#2
What vocal rythmn are you planning on using with these lyrics? You will have to base the whole instrumentals around the vocals.
#3
I would say that you're trying too hard to get the words to rhyme and not trying to get them to flow. For example:

From Mastodon's "Blood and Thunder"

What remorseless emperor commands me
I no longer govern my soul
I am completely immersed in darkness
As I turn my body away from the sun

No rhymes. Great song. Focus more on the meter of the song, and if you can get a rhyme pattern more power to you!