#1
That Sunday night feeling on Thursday morning,
that things were wasted before they got going,
Wash away bedtime stains,
circling down the drain,
I try to cast it off but it's still left showing.

Sometimes I remind myself to breathe,
It's not as natural as it used to be,
The reasons to are reduced to sad songs
that I always used to sing.

I haven't lately seen your name in any of the songs I write,
and the person I've been since then is quite a sight,
Here's something you'd never seen,
I say this with intentions clean,
I'm sorry for the my actions, I was young, and you were always right.

Living life poor between angels and vices,
hearing stories from all the people I'd been,
Lie awake every night with my concience,
taking advice from the wrong shoulder again.

I haven't worn a cross since I came to be
the person before you now that you see,
I lost the faith long ago,
but if there's a heaven I hope you know,
That it'd be a waste of time to be there waiting on me.
OBEY THE MIGHTY SHITKICKER
Last edited by JustRooster at Dec 15, 2011,
#2
im not an expert writer or anything, but lost hope is always a deep theme
There is no such thing as unnecessary force...as a matter of fact im using the force to type this signature
#3
I'm not sure whether to be surprised or not that this has gotten so little attention amidst the piles of metal lyrics, but I gotta say, I really like this. This is something like I'd like to write if I finally stopped being lazy and got to putting some effort in. Not that my tastes in lyrics are incredibly awesome (they are), but I'd like to think that's a compliment anyway.

Usually I'll meander through the S&L thread and read the hovers that pop up and check out the lyrics if the title or first few lines intrigue me, and yours definitely did. I love your opening, both for the poeticism and because it's a feeling that's relatable. The next few lines feel a bit disappointing in comparison, and the rhyme feels out of place in the context of the verse, but I think it may just be because the first lines are so strong.

The second and third verses are fine and in keeping with your theme. I wasn't quite as excited by these two, but the reference to "yourself" as two separate people is interesting. Again, the rhyme couplet feels like it was fitted in, but your last line is great and makes the whole verse stand out, imo.

The fourth verse feels more natural in its rhymes and continues your theme pretty well. Again, I like the last line here, it's a cute reference (if I can say "cute" without seeming like a dick).

Last verse: nice cross reference and self comparison again. The last lines end strong. It seems you either start or end your verses with your strongest lines. Not sure if that's just a coincidence, but it certainly works well in this piece.

Nice job, man. I'll keep an eye out for more by you


Edit: Looking back through some of your older threads, I gotta say, holy shit, dude, you can write.
Quote by DukeDeRox
Obviously you got this.
Last edited by RaysGotThis at Dec 19, 2011,