#1
This is the first song iv ever written so please be nice


Sudden Demise

Standing outside your house.
Waiting for you too arrive.
I hide in the bushes.
Plotting your demise.

I see you turn the corner.
Your keys begin too jingle.
You disappear behind your door.
My lips begin to tingle.

I wait for dark.
I grip my knife.
I cross the road.
To take your life.

I open your door.
I scale your stairs.
Don’t beg for mercy.
I no longer care.

Don’t try to scream.
It only amuses me.
This is what happens.
When I realize your using me.

I tie you down.
I slit your wrists.
I watch you die.
And I scream.
**** YOU BITCH!
#4
Quote by Cannibal67
This is the first song iv ever written so please be nice


Sudden Demise

*sick shit*


Ummm
Music is an art form that celebrates potential. So long as you're looking for it, you'll always find it.
#5
well it was extremely disturbing, but if thats what you want it to be then i think it was pretty good.
#6
I think htis is good for what you're trying to do. I think in telling your story of this little encounter you couuld maybe take a little less detail form the spots you have it in and use it in another place for example the second verse take that amount of detail and use it in a verse or interlude towards the end. Also if it was me I would tighten up the rhyming.
#7
Quote by Cannibal67
This is the first song iv ever written so please be nice


Sudden Demise

Standing outside your house.
Waiting for you to arrive.
I hide in the bushes.
Plotting your demise.

The first and third lines didn't rhyme, and how did that hurt the piece? Not in any way. You could use rhymes, but don't make them these overly obvious and generic ones like "arrive" and "demise". I was pretty turned off by the line breaks too, I can't get into a piece with enjambment like that. So far you haven't used any imagery or tried to describe anything. Try to describe what the house looks like, does it remind you of anything? How does it feel like hiding in those bushes? How long did it feel like?

I see you turn the corner.
Your keys begin to jingle.
You disappear behind your door.
My lips begin to tingle.

Again you've used an extra 'O' in the second line. The words 'jingle' and 'tingle' seriously don't fit in the piece. I associate those words with cheerful things (and I assume other people do too).

I wait for dark.
I grip my knife.
I cross the road.
To take your life.

Like I said, line breaks, imagery etc.

I open your door.
I scale your stairs.
Don’t beg for mercy.
I no longer care.

Why do you no longer care? What has this person done to you? Actually, who is this person? How do you know them?

Don’t try to scream.
It only amuses me.
This is what happens.
When I realize you're using me.

This is a reason I don't like it when people write about things they don't know. It might be a silly point for me to make, but if this person's agonizing shrieks amuse you, why would you ask them not to scream?

I tie you down.
I slit your wrists.
I watch you die.
And I scream.
**** YOU BITCH!

What did you tie them down with? How did the wrist slitting go? How did you feel watching this person die, whoever they are? Were you mad at the end, or just apathetic? Don't take this the wrong way, but I couldn't get into a single part of this poem/song. I have no problem with gore or violence, mind you. I get that you're trying to portray fantasy (at least, I really hope you were) but you didn't say anything about the whys and the hows, which I kept asking myself. Keep practicing though, you'll get there.



....