#1
Gather round my friends and learn of how Dio saved Christmas for every boy and girl.

NOTE: This has quite a few spelling errors and such, so just try to ignore them the best you can.

Ephy: What? The beatles and elvis aren't rivals o_O;
Adam Jaeger: I know their not rivals, but still.
Fu: THEY WERE FIERCE RIVALS
Fu: BECAUSE ELVIS TURNED THE BEATLES' NINJA SENSEI INTO A HALF-RAT HALF-HUMAN
Fu: NAMED BILLY IDOL
Fu: BUT LITTLE DID THEY KNOW
Fu: THAT IN THE SHADOWS, IGGY POP WAS AMASSING AN ARMY
Fu: AN ARMY MADE OF PUNKS IMBUED WITH THE POWER AND PRETENTIOUSNESS OF A THOUSAND THOM YORKES
Fu: BUT STEVE VAI WAS WISE TO THEIR PLANS
Fu: AND CALLED UPON THE GUITARWIZARD JOE SATRIANI
Fu: WHO SHRED A RIGHTEOUS LICK
Fu: BUT THE DARK FORCES RETALIATED BY SENDING OUT THEIR DARK NAZGUITARUL RIDER
Fu: ALEKSI LAIHO
Fu: TO COUNTER SATRIANI'S MAD SOLOS
Fu: HIS FINGERS IMBUED WITH SPEED FROM DARK FORCES
Fu: BUT BEHOLD
Fu: FOR JOE SATRIANI, THE BALD AND BOLD WIZARD
Fu: HAD MIGHTY ALLIES
Fu: "YOU HAVE MY BASS", SAID LES CLAYPOO
Fu: +L
Fu: "AND MY DRUMS", SAID THE MIGHTY MIKE MANGINI
Fu: AND TOGETHER THEY RODE INTO BATTLE
Fu: WITH STEEDS MADE OF ALL THE MOLTEN PICKS LEFT OVER IN THE AFTERMATH OFA SINGLE JOHN PETRUCCI SOLO
Fu: (approximately 10'000 give or take 1k)
Fu: THE DARK GUITARKNIGHT LAIHO WAS GETTING DESPERATE
Fu: SO HE SLOWED DOWN TIME WITH THE MOST DEPRESSION INDUCING DOOM METAL DRUMTRACK EVER DEVISED
Fu: SO SLOW
Fu: AND SO LOW
Fu: EVEN DOGS COULDN'T HEAR IT
Fu: SO NOW TIME WAS SLOWED DOWN TO A CRAWL REMINISCENT OF A SLUDGE METAL TRACK CRAWLING IT'S WAY HOME FROM A BAR AFTER A DEATH BREATH GIG IN A DRUNKEN STUPOR
Fu: BUT AMIDST THE WALL OF TREBLE-OVERDOSING GUITARS AND A BASSLINE MORE AKIN TO A STATIC NOISE, AN ANGEL LET OUT A FURIOUS BATTLECRY
AN ANGEL
Fu: DRESSED IN SCUBA GEAR
Fu: THERE WAS NO DOUBT ABOUT IT
Fu: NO MAN COULD BREAK THAT NOISE
Fu: NO
Fu: NOT A MAN
Fu: BUT A GOD
Fu: UN DIO
Fu: YES, RONNIE JAMES DIO HIMSELF CAME DOWN FROM THE METAL (FOR METAL IS HEAVEN) TO AID OUR HEROES
Fu: JOE SATRIANI LET OUT A JOYFUL BLUES SCALE (BECAUSE HE IS SO BADASS HE CAN MAKE BLUES SOUND HAPPY)
Fu: ARMED WITH THIS NEWFOUND HOPE, THE TWO FORCES CLASHED IN A WALL OF DEATH OF AWEPICSOMENESS
Fu: AND FLAMES
Fu: THE BATTLEFIELD ROARED LIKE A BELLOWING BELLIGERENT BEHEMOTH AS LES CLAYPOOL SLAPPED THAT BASS LIKE A PIMP LOVINGLY SLAPS HIS HOES
Fu: BUT ALEKSI LAIHO WAS NOT OUT OF TRICKS JUST YET
Fu: SOMEHOW HE BLOCKED MANGINI'S MACHINEGUN BARRAGE OF A RIFF WITH A BODYSHIELD OF A MILLION SCENECORE KIDS
Fu: AND THE EARTH WAS BLACKENED
Fu: WITH ALL THE EYELINER OF THE WALLOWING EMOS
Fu: AND THE SUN WAS BLOCKED FROM VIEW
Fu: AS THE CROSSBOWMEN FIRED A BARRAGE
Fu: OF JUSTIN BIEBERS AND A FEW FLAMING REBECCAA BLACKS
Fu: BUT NO
Fu: SATRIANI DID NOT EVEN BOTHER TO BLOCK OR DODGE
Fu: THEY DID NO DAMAGE TO HIM, FOR HE IS JUST THAT METAL
Fu: AND THE MASSES FOUGHT LIKE A MOB OF ANGRY DRUNK MIDGET FANS OF DROPKICK MURPHY'S AFTER A MIDNIGHT SHOWING OF BOONDOCK SAINTS AT THE LOCAL IRISH PUB
Fu: THE CROWD WAS ALMOST UNPENETRABLE
Fu: BUT RONNIE JAMES PULLED OUT THE MAGICAL RELIC
Fu: KNOWN IN THE MYTHS AS "THE VIP-PASS"
Fu: AND THE CROWD SPLIT, AND STARED IN AWE
Fu: REALISING THEIR ERRORS LIKE A NICKELBACK FAN WHO HAD JUST HEARD REAL MUSIC FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HIS LIFE
Fu: AND THEY REPENTED AND WEPT
Fu: WEPT LIKE AN EMO AFTER A BROKEN NAIL
Fu: REPENTED LIKE A PERSON WHO JUST ACCIDENTALLY BOUGHT A 30 SECONDS TO MARS ALBUM
Fu: WAILED IN HOPELESSNESS LIKE A FAN WHO REALISED ISIS WAS NOT GETTING BACK TOGETHER
Fu: A DARK SHADOW OF A SKINNY MAN APPEARED OVER THE HEROES HEADS, HIS SHADOW SO BIG IT ALMOST COVERED ALL THE HAIR PHIL COLLINS HAS LEFT
Fu: WHICH IS TO SAY, IT COVERED NOTHING
Fu: IT WAS THE DARK RIDER ALEKSI LAIHO
Fu: THE HEROES FACED A DILEMMA
Fu: SEE, FINNS ARE LIKE HIGHLANDERS, THEY CAN ONLY BE KILLED BY ONE OF THEIR OWN
Fu: HOW ON EARTH WOULD THE HEROES SMITE THIS EVIL CHAMPION
Fu: "KRHM"
Fu: ALL THIS TIME, A SILENT FINN HAD BEEN OBSERVING THE BATTLE
Fu: IT WAS PEKKA OLKKONEN KNOWN IN THE MYTHS OF MUSIC AS THE CHAMPION PEXI
Fu: "GO ON AHEAD", PEXI SIGNALLED IN A GLORIOUS, TEAR-INDUCING SOLO
Fu: AND THE TWO FOUGHT WHILE THE REST OF THE PARTY CARRIED ON AHEAD
Fu: THE PARTY GREW EVER FEWER AS THE PARTY MEMBERS STAYED BEHIND TO STAVE OFF THE ASSAULTS OF CASCADA FANS AND THEIR BEAMS OF GLITTER AND DISCOBEATS
Fu: THEIR EARS ALMOST DEAFENED BY SOMEONE'S DOWNRIGHT EVIL IDEA OF COMBINING DEATH METAL AND DUBSTEP
Fu: SOON ONLY RONNIE REMAINED
Fu: AND HE WALKED SLOWLY THROUGH THE FIRES OF BATTLE AND THE FLAMINGS OF IDIOTIC INTERNET REVIEWERS
Fu: INTO THE LAIR OF IGGY POP
Fu: "WELCOME-AH, TO MY LAAAAIIRRRR-RAH", SANG IGGY
Fu: THEN IT STRUCK DIO
Fu: IT ALL MADE SENSE NOW
Fu: WHAT WOULD A RESPECTABLE PUNK LIKE IGGY POP ACHIEVE BY RUINING THE GLORY THAT IS METAL
Fu: NO
Fu: NO, IT WAS SOMEONE ELSE
Fu: SOMEONE FROM THE INSIDE
Fu: "JAMES HEEATFIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII​EEEEEEEEEEEELD", RONNIE LET OUT A HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM OF RIGHTEOUS FURY
Fu: "YYYYYYESSSSSSSS-AH, IT'S-AH ME, MAAR- I MEAN JAAAAMESSS-RAH"
Fu: AND LO; A BEING WHICH WOULD'VE PASSED AS PATTI SMITH IN A DARK ALLEY WAS REVEALED TO BE INDEED KIRK HAMMET
Fu: +T
Fu: RONNIE AND JAMES SANG SONGS THAT WOULD'VE SCORCHED ANY MORTAL EAR
Fu: IN THEIR BATTLE FOR THE FATE OF MUSIC
Fu: AND RONNIE AND HETFAILD SANG LONG AND HARD LIKE A PHALLIC SYMBOL MORE OBVIOUS THEN A BARBARIAN'S SWORD
Fu: BUT TRULY, RONNIE WAS NO MAN
Fu: HE WAS A MANGEL
Fu: AND IT DIDN'T TAKE LONG UNTIL THE SCHEMES OF LIEFIELD WERE PUT DOWN LIKE OLD YELLER IN A REGIME RUN BY CATS
Fu: AND DIO STOOD TRIUMPHANT ON THE MOUNTAIN OF METAL
Fu: CLAYPOO, MANGINI AND SATRIANI LOOKED WEARILY UP TO DIO
Fu: "YOU HAVE SAVED MUSIC ONCE AGAIN, DIO, GUIDE US INTO THE NEW ERA OF GOOD MUSIC"
Fu: "NO", SAID DIO "FOR I MUST JOIN FREDDIE MERCURY ON A QUEST TO SAVE THE PEOPLE OF ALPHA CENTAURI FROM A FATE WORSE THAN HEARING A QUEEN COVER SANG BY KATY PERRY"
Fu: AND THUS OUR HEROES WATCHED AS DIO ASCENDED YET AGAIN, INTO METAL GODHOOD
Fu: HE LEFT WITH THE SOUND OF A THOUSAND #F's
Fu: AND TO THIS DAY, HE WATCHES (AND LISTENS TO) US, HIS GAZE AS LIMITLESS AS HIS VOCAL RANGE
Fu: AND THAT IS THE MEANING IF CHRISTMAS (AND EVERY HOLIDAY EVER)
Fu: THE
Fu: END
#5
What the **** did I just read?
All that is gold does not glitter; Not all who wander are lost.
#6
Quote by goest
^Absolute. Uncompromising. 100% pure, fresh. Solid. Gold.

Quote by WCPhils
That might be my favorite shoop I have ever seen on here.



Quote by KnightBand
Yes! ****ing Yes! YOU LEGEND!!!
#8
Didn't read.
F*ck you.
You want some more seeneyj hate? WELL YOU CAN'T HAVE IT

You're all a bunch of f*cking slaves! - Jim Morrison

UG Awards
1st: Biggest Ego
1st: Most Likely To Become Famous
1st: Most Pretentious User
#10
Quote by seeneyj
Didn't read.
F*ck you.

way to combo break the gifs, asshole
Quote by goest
^Absolute. Uncompromising. 100% pure, fresh. Solid. Gold.

Quote by WCPhils
That might be my favorite shoop I have ever seen on here.



Quote by KnightBand
Yes! ****ing Yes! YOU LEGEND!!!
#11
Humour > Capitalising everything
My Soundcloud
Always up for some C4C, been compared to Frank Turner, The Cure's Robert Smith and Bruce Springsteen so check out my stuff if you like the sound of that
#12
To be vulnerable is needed most of all, if you intend to truly fall apart.


Quote by due 07
You have no idea how much I don't want to tell stories about my mother's vaginal slime on the internet.


I make music sometimes.
#13
Quote by travs2448

How many of you are vegan?
Hopefully none

Does anyone know any fun recipes?
Yeah a big juicy flank steak

What can be done with tofu?
Nothing it taste like crap

Is there such thing as vegan meat? Vegan sausages ect
WTF ARE YOU ON?
#15
Dio's terrible.
Dio cringes me out.
tl;dr
Am I missing anything?
dirtbag ballet by the bins down the alley
as i walk through the chalet of the shadow of death
everything that you've come to expect


#16
Quote by Portuguese_boy

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BITCH, THAT'S MY .GIF


281-330-8004, that's my cell phone number, hit me up on the low
Last edited by moscaespañol at Dec 19, 2011,
#17
I did read and I loled like a mad man
Warning: The above post may contain lethal levels of radiation, sharp objects and sexiness.
Proceed with extreme caution!
#21
Quote by jakesmellspoo
ooh look at me i'm ERIKLENSHERR and i work at fancy pants desk jobs and wear ties and ply barely legal girls with weed and booze i'm such a classy motherfucker.
#22
Quote by ImortallyInsane

Fu: YES, RONNIE JAMES DIO HIMSELF CAME DOWN FROM THE METAL (FOR METAL IS HEAVEN) TO AID OUR HEROES


lol what?
#24
^^The above is a Cryptic Metaphor^^


"To know the truth of history is to realize its ultimate myth and its inevitable ambiguity." Everything is made up and the facts don't matter.


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