#1
Preface: I originally wrote this in a notebook. Some of the "formatting" of how it is written is lost by typing it out.. I've tried to keep all that I could from the notebook form. For example, some words are randomly capitalised; this is because I wrote them either waxing into capital or full-out capital to remind myself of the scream/growl pattern I had in my mind while writing -- For this post think of it as emphasis.
Some of these words also are multi-lined (for a scream and growl at same time).. Usually they're the same word, but in the case of the line "BREATH(E)" the actual line has "BREATH" (screamed) stacked on top of "BREATHE" (growled).



Rebuild, rebuild,
Frugality is the stone
Hit by the hammer.
To break eighty-eight teeth
Just
Drop.

Astro-Physicists will never know,
Quantum mechanics could never explain.

Slow descent through liquid crystal...
Your soul extends itself,
Your mind releases...
your MIND

Dimethyltryptamine daylight,
Foreshadowing--
Permeating chill,
A premonition--
Despairing lamentation,
Ominous oppilation--
Open. Your. EYES!
FORBEARANCE OF THE FINAL
BREATH(E)

Stuttering sputters
Racking your ribcage,
Pressure breaking your bones,
You are trapped.
Fear appears to seize your soul
as your hands...
As your hands reach up to
YOUR THROAT

Epiphany,
As blood flows from your lips--
It all disappears,
Frantic desperation, grasping on--
WHAT HAVE I DONE?
Cold hatred,
Repugnant rejection,
Love
is
FORGOTTEN--


I would love some critique on this as one of my friends mentioned it feels unfinished (Although I will say it is meant to be a sudden stop at the end, hence the -- ). I'm also interested in hearing what you think it is about... If requested after a few posts I'll post what I had in mind when writing.

I will, of course, return any critique you give with critique of my own on a piece of your choosing, or a random one from your assortment.

Thanks!
:]
#2
Well this is an interesting one. You an certainly feel the passion behind it but I feel your misguided somewhat. Those more difficult words alienate people that want to understand you. It's like being batted away from your house. People want to come in and look around, get an understranding, but you're there in the garden with a baseball bat.
#3
Quote by Jammydude44
Well this is an interesting one. You an certainly feel the passion behind it but I feel your misguided somewhat. Those more difficult words alienate people that want to understand you. It's like being batted away from your house. People want to come in and look around, get an understranding, but you're there in the garden with a baseball bat.

Haha, I like the simile.

I see what you mean... Not many people know oppilation.. But I figured the others would be commonplace. Which words exactly do you think I should take a look at, if you don't mind me asking?