#1
Tell me what you think. please. Kind of a metal version I guess. Idk, had something aggressive sounding in my head. Its kind of a personal song to me. Its kind of about my smoking habit. something im not proud of, and having a difficult time quitting.

I cannot prevent this tragedy
Life burns away before me
So here I lie in bed
gasping for every breath.

I killed myself slowly
Paper burned between me
cause I have nothing to say
Counting down my days.

Theres nothing in this age
That doesnt fill me with rage
locked myself inside this cage
These are the end of the days

I hear this voice inside me
trying to pull my reigns
nothing can stop me now
The poisons in my veins
"A guitar is your personality expressed through six strings"

"I'm cuddly bitch, deal with it"
#3
agh. yeeaaa Im having a hard time finding shit that rhymes but still... idk.. "fits"
and thanks.
"A guitar is your personality expressed through six strings"

"I'm cuddly bitch, deal with it"
Last edited by Iblis92 at Dec 28, 2011,
#4
Not very sophisticated, but a good start.

-
saying the same thing over and over
linear rhymes: cage - age - rage
...me...me...me
predictable

+
no pretentious wordchoice
smoking could be used as a metaphor

I am a smoker myself. So what about the good side of smoking? fine taste, "dirty/guilty pleasure", 3mins of not giving a f*ck?
#5
Its not my best for sure. It really needs a rewrite.
"A guitar is your personality expressed through six strings"

"I'm cuddly bitch, deal with it"
#6
Quote by Iblis92

I cannot prevent this tragedy
Life burns away before me
So here I lie in bed
gasping for every breath.

This parts okay, no particular line stands out for me here but it works. The rhymes are fine too.

I killed myself slowly
Paper burned between me
cause I have nothing to say
Counting down my days.

I like this verse. Dark, sure, but I like dark.

Theres nothing in this age
That doesnt fill me with rage
locked myself inside this cage
These are the end of the days

I didn't particularly like this bit. The rhymes are too cheesy and I don't like the fact they all rhyme with each other. It doesn't really do anything for me.

I hear this voice inside me
trying to pull my reigns
nothing can stop me now
The poisons in my veins

This is my favourite verse in this piece. It all works very well and a good way to end it.


Not bad, overall. Some good lines here and there, I would consider changing the third verse though. Keep writing.
#7
yea, that third verse didnt really do it for me either... thanks for the crits though. Ima rewrite this today. post it later
"A guitar is your personality expressed through six strings"

"I'm cuddly bitch, deal with it"
#8
Revised:

I cannot prevent this tragedy
Life burns away before me
So here I lie in bed
gasping for every breath.

I killed myself slowly
Paper burning between me
cause I had nothing to say
Counting down my days.

I seek to quell this anxiety
find comfort in toxicity
wreaking of blight
I've lost my will to fight.

I hear this voice inside
trying to pull my reigns
nothing can stop me now
The venoms in my veins
"A guitar is your personality expressed through six strings"

"I'm cuddly bitch, deal with it"