#1
I'm tracing faults along the coast
Of a photo atlas.
The cracks cross golden memories,
The times before the cigarettes would stain your teeth,
The era that we knew
The future was brighter than the past.

I want the warmth of a Summer
Brought by a father
Returning to his home.
The grass that burns in the heat
Before bending to the wind.

But most of all, I want a smile.
I want something more
Than life's adages,
I want the proverb itself.

Remember, you were the happy sun.
The night that never came.

And I just wish I could find my teeth.


Not a finished product, but would love feedback.
Last edited by blake1221 at Feb 5, 2012,
#2
It makes the reader want all that, as well, already. You are onto a good thing - the last line is perfect.
not going viral


Hot E-Cousin of rjaylaf

Non Evil E-Twin of stealstrings

E-NEMESIS of deathdrummer
#3
Good to see you posting in here again.


I think this is a little bit too wrapped up in itself for me too get into thoroughly enough, if you know what I mean. It might be because it's so short, and because there's no context the descriptions just seem to serve their own purpose. There's nothing to get attached to. It's nice though, nice words. Pretty words.

Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#4
Good point Ganoosh, I can totally see where you're coming from. Definitely needs revising and more to it, this was just my jumping off point.

But thank you both for reading.
#6
Thanks for the crit. I appreciate it. I really enjoyed reading this piece. There were only a couple things I didn't care. Not really a fan of the cigarette sentence. I don't know, anything to do with cigarettes and the like just seems cliche to me. Lastly, I liked last sentence, but it definitely didn't feel right as a closer. I just want at the very least a brief explanation. Like, what is the narrator going to do with his teeth after he finds them. Anyways, keep it up.