#1
memories disintegrate in the red- eyed world
these clothes I didn't own, these words I never said
these thoughts that I have shed in a void past home -
my hands were never empty once you filled them with your own.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#2
This was nice. Didn't like "void past home..." I think it's too slinky and stretchable for it's own good, since anything else is fairly static and single imaged.

Otherwise though, this was a nice little read. Not as impacting as a lot of your recent stuff (for me at least) but still, tasty.
#3
I liked 'void past home', it had all the right sounds and images for me
not going viral


Hot E-Cousin of rjaylaf

Non Evil E-Twin of stealstrings

E-NEMESIS of deathdrummer
#4
The first three lines were pure filler for your end line. Take that last idea and build it up into a piece that's going to last a little longer in the readers mind than thirty seconds. Those first three lines all are a little awkward and clumsy in places, word choice very obscure and blocky in my opinion.
#5
^
i feel inclined to agree. When the last line hit i was wowed. the others could come and go but the last line really spoke
#6
I'm glad the last line hit but to be honest it might be more 'filler' than the first few lines. This is less of a love poem and more of a reflection of the year
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#7
interesting. Ok past the debate of filler and not filler.

I'm with Z on this. the Void past home is a bit oddly worded. i enjoy the concept but the execution lacks some polish. the piece as a whole is enjoyable because it is short and sweet.

The last line was just so strong because i thought it embodied what was going on as a whole in the piece. it is subtle and unassuming. something sweetly put
#8
related note, that last line, have you used it before? I thought it rang a bell.

Still, definite distance between the first three/last.
#9
haha DAMN! Jammydude is putting ideas into my head...
i see what he's getting at when he's saying he feels a difference... i'm just a little slow on the uptake. Random, i never read any of your other works. (obviously as to my join date) but for some reason it does feel oddly out of place. or at least the strongest of the four and by default taking center.

The last line feels like a love poem, or at least companionship, the three are... sort of.. in the middle? they could be talking of memories. or as you put it reflections. but the last line gives a punch leaving a feeling of love (or equivalent)
#10
'void past home' reads very ambiguously. i don't feel like this had a lot of filler content-wise, but the wording was a little clunky. removing the repeated these's would help. you've improved a good bit since even the last time i saw you posting here regularly. always a pleasure to read you, hope you're well.