#1
just some optimism for you all.


I've never understood the
seriousness of falling on the ground
and smiling at the clouds; or
the joy of flicking my girlfriend's ear
and screaming,
"nan-ah-nan-ah-boo-boo,
can't catch me, I'm the tidy bowl man!"
And yet I'm here,
staring into some sort of meaning,
the brim of adulthood and responsibility.
I mean,
dear god,
my landlord trusts me with a building
and doesn't even check to see
if I'm burning it down and dancing for rain

But... in the end,
I haven't burnt it down
and I haven't skipped work to buy drinks
for that girl who called herself Cinnamon.
I've given up on being fun,
and settled in to being a real life person;
into understanding that life's gravity is bound
to damn my soul to this current hell.
And that, eventually,
my reward for being responsible will be
2.3 screaming kids, a white picket fence,
and a dog named Fido that digs holes.
#2
bah.

humbug.

And yet I'm here,
staring into some sort of meaning,
the brim of adulthood and responsibility.
and yet i'm here broke your flow. i would rephrase this entire section

I mean,
dear god,
my landlord trusts me with a building
and doesn't even check to see
if I'm burning it down and dancing for rain
this was great

But... in the end,
ellipses killed flow. comma or period would be my suggestion, or just rephrasing

I haven't burnt it down
and I haven't skipped work to buy drinks
for that girl who called herself Cinnamon.
great

I've given up on being fun,
no flow. straightforward without any redeeming cuteness. rephrase.

into understanding that life's gravity is bound
to damn my soul to this current hell.
And that, eventually,
my reward for being responsible will be
2.3 screaming kids, a white picket fence,
and a dog named Fido that digs holes.
in the last line i would replace that with who. personal preference. rest is a fitting ending

good to see you posting
#3
Quote by ZanasCross
just some optimism for you all.


I've never understood the
seriousness of falling on the ground
and smiling at the clouds; or
the joy of flicking my girlfriend's ear
and screaming,
"nan-ah-nan-ah-boo-boo,
can't catch me, I'm the tidy bowl man!"

the line break in the first sentence is kinda messy. screaming seems like too strong a verb, i know you're loudly announcing it to her, but personal preference pushes me towards something like yelling or shouting, as they come across as a little more playful. the tidy bowl man thing is an esoteric joke that isn't worth the pay-off for me. it's a little off-putting honestly. the vocalization of nan-etc. is a stumbling block in reading as it requires a pause to piece together the individual sounds.

And yet I'm here,
staring into some sort of meaning,
the brim of adulthood and responsibility.
I mean,
dear god,
my landlord trusts me with a building
and doesn't even check to see
if I'm burning it down and dancing for rain

the second line is ambiguous, which could've come across as thematically intentional, if you hadn't immediately clarified in the next line, which just makes it come across as redundant. i like the line breaks in lines 4 and 5, they establish a good conversational tone.

But... in the end,
I haven't burnt it down
and I haven't skipped work to buy drinks
for that girl who called herself Cinnamon.
I've given up on being fun,
and settled in to being a real life person;
into understanding that life's gravity is bound
to damn my soul to this current hell.
And that, eventually,
my reward for being responsible will be
2.3 screaming kids, a white picket fence,
and a dog named Fido that digs holes.

the ellipses really do disrupt the flow. the 'and' at the beginning of the 3rd line is unnecessary. i like the line break after bound whether the play was intentional or not. i haaaateeee the 2.decimal amount of kids. it is such an unbelievable cliche when trying to gently satirize the 'perfect life'. agree with Dylan that the 'that' should be a 'who' in the last line.


wasn't a huge fan of this honestly. too kitschy for me, but i look forward to seeing you post more anyway. see you around.