#1
Henry said airport dread
kept a rolled cigarette
in the door jamb
no one crying in Minnesota
only amateur carpenters
with sawdust lungs
trying to reconstruct
the hinges

i believe in miracles like you
roll 10 years of baggage
through an airport terminal
ride the escalator backwards
walk back into life
eyes like a New Year
your face somewhat
older and paler
quavering voice resolves to me
because now we must
pretend that you didn't leave
that revolving door open -
because i couldn't get it shut.
#2
I like your writing because it is never obvious. Same here.
not going viral


Hot E-Cousin of rjaylaf

Non Evil E-Twin of stealstrings

E-NEMESIS of deathdrummer
#3
Quote by NGD1313
Henry said airport dread
kept a rolled cigarette
in the door jamb
In one of my favorite movies 'the sting' theres a part where robert redford puts a rolled up piece of paper in the door as he closes it so it would fall out if anyone entered his apartment while he was gone so he could know if he was being ambushed. I used the trick growing up for less intense purposes but this was a nice shot to the past. I'm doubting this is the use of the cigarette here and i'd like to be more sure what it's doing, but there's a little john berryman and his henry paranoia or maybe desperation goin on here and it gets a feeling across in a similar way
no one crying in Minnesota
only amateur carpenters
with sawdust lungs
trying to reconstruct
the hinges
good stanza. not great--i think you could make it do a bit more work and make it more potent

i believe in miracles like you
roll 10 years of baggage
through an airport terminal
ride the escalator backwards
walk back into life
this is pretty devastating. sort of classic airport scene but then the escalator backwards makes it seem like your watching it in reverse. that maybe the arrival is actually a leaving that by some miracle got reversed. but then the hope for that reading kind of slips away and the effect is that we end up seeing it like a normal arrival and as if miracles aren't real and as if arriving, back into a life after 10 years or just the holidays, is the most bewildering moment in the world.

eyes like a New Year
your face somewhat
older and paler
quavering voice resolves to me
because now we must
pretend that you didn't leave
that revolving door open -
because i couldn't get it shut.

i'm scared theres a mother here. but lover or mother or friend (or brother?) its a weird feeling facing the truth of a life and being forced to deal with it one way or that other.



pretty read. you could make it more streamlined, maybe one or two more details could make it a little more powerful but still pretty great.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5GMZG847wGw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f2PzfnDOU9k
you might like this album. its one of my favorites. 'puddle city racing lights' is the name. windmill is the band. reminded me of it a bit. if you like either of these songs even a little i recommend the whole album. i just picked 2 that would seem most relevant at first. the whole record kind of is though
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
Last edited by jiminizzle at Jan 6, 2012,
#4
"sawdust lungs" is like one of those really forced images that for me just irks and reads awkwardly. It's either obviously obvious or tediously angsty, either of which just brought it front and centre and distracted.

You use punctuation really well, so I don't know why you'd avoid utilising it for emphasis and more control.