#1
A new piece I've come up with, a crit4crit would be great.

Not talking,
I know myself:
Paranoid, scattered, lost.
No need,
passing midnight,
my words are held in tight.

Dry tongue and cotton mouth
lead to a sip, a drink, an empty.
My tongue starts to loosen
with my inhibitions.

Would it break you, sweetheart?
To see me in this light?
A step to the right in the wrong direction?
Holding on as hard as being sober on a lonely night.

Would it be a mirror?
Is that what you'd see?

I'm back to square one.
Thoughts gone round full-tilt, full circle.
Returning to what?
Another shot,
another sleepless night,
another fifth and another call.

I call my shots and hit 'em hard.
Holding back tears while I come up with
reasons to be sad,
to be mad,
and to hate.

Hate me,
hate the drinks,
hate this meaningless song
and this god damn bed.
My head knows it's angst
but the heart protests.
He never was the smart one.
Bringing pain, trouble, and women.

Yet all I'm doing is waiting for a flash on the phone,
a slight sound bite,
a reminder of everything that doesn't hit me like a train.

But this dream is for naught tonight,
cause at five in the morning
no one wants to hear a heart throb
beyond their own.

What else is there to say?
Sweetheart, I'm drunk.
#2
i really, really like this.

the last line really brings everything home.

i also got goosebumps when i read "no one wants to hear a heart throb/ beyond their own"
that's quite good.

bravo, sir.
I'm just another musician waiting to be famous.

follow my twitter here
Please! listen to my music here
#3
Easy
Authentic
Sweet
not going viral


Hot E-Cousin of rjaylaf

Non Evil E-Twin of stealstrings

E-NEMESIS of deathdrummer
#4
This was really good. I was smiling while reading it 'cause I could really relate.

As stated before, that last line is fantastic. Really well done man.
#5
Thanks guys. This piece is particularily different from what I normally write. It's less "poetic" and wordy. It's just simple and down to earth and I wanted to know what the UG community would think of it.
#7
This is very good. It's almost like you've been there (idk, maybe you have!).

The line
"Holding back tears while I come up with
reasons to be sad,"
was probably my favorite. It's like you're describing a guy that's so hammered, he doesn't know why he's sad.

I can almost taste the alcohol.


...lol jk, I'm underage

anyway, c4c? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1512071
#8
I liked this a lot. It's relatable without being dishonest. I personally have done this maneuver a few times Good work, keep it coming.
#9
Gateway, I will crit as soon as possible. And no, I've never been there, I just happen to have bad friends and particularily vivid dreams, I'm underage too man. I would love to make this into a full fledged song. Thanks again guys.