#1
yellow kayak on the river
some day's in january melt
use wise strokes without a shiver
rare moments must avoid insult
the figure's intentions lay empty yet firm
restless mind and eyes on gulls
longer leaps with short oar turns
winding round wharfs with dull
green,
rot
and
sun -wood
-burns.
an empty parking lot
lingers over the water
watching tides low and high
attach to the leftover pieces
left not out of absent mind
but to make us feel like
most stories are hard to find.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
Last edited by freshtunes at Jan 7, 2012,
#2
Quote by freshtunes
yellow kayak on the river
some day's in january melt
use wise strokes without a shiver
rare moments must avoid insult

the line above killed the flow for me. I've tried, but can't find a particularly good way of reading it that doesn't make it seem like the bastard rhyme is off... or I have too many syllables... one or the other. I also wanted a stanza break here. I feel like breaking it up clears up the read.

the figure's intentions lay empty yet firm
restless mind and eyes on gulls
longer leaps with short oar turns
winding round wharfs with dull
green,
rot
and
sun -wood
-burns.
an empty parking lot
lingers over the water

I wanted a stanza break here. I think it cleans up the read again with a nice pause.

watching tides low and high
attach to the leftover pieces
left not out of absent mind
but to make us feel like
most stories are hard to find.


This was nice enough. I feel like I'm not "getting" it... but that could be on me and the fact that I'm half watching a playoff game in the background. This rolled off the tongue nicely enough... but, there's something missing for me. It lacks real staying power. I'm having a hard time saying exactly what I want from it, but I feel like there needs to be something more for me to remember this come tomorrow.
#3
God tier.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching