#1
crit4crit
THAT SINKING FEELING

At the bottom of the ocean
Where the pressure's enough
To kill a man she spends
Her days searching for sunken treasure.
But it's so dark down there
She can't even see her hand
Right in front of her face or else
She'd know a fortune is drawn on her palm.

I've got that sinking feeling
That puts me below freezing point,
My bones are frozen solid
So please light up my joints.
Get me higher and higher
Until I break the surface,
Then please reassure me
That I'm not dreaming.

I wish I could spend my days
With her between the canyons
'Cause the real riches lay
In the nothingness of the ocean depths.
No I don't mean Atlantis
Or sunken Spanish gallions
But that prehistoric feel
Before mistakes and flaws were written down.

I've got that sinking feeling
That puts me below freezing point,
My bones are frozen solid
So please light up my joints.
Get me higher and higher
Until I break the surface,
Then please reassure me
That I'm not dreaming.
#2
I really enjoyed reading this. The first stanza really steals the piece though. Only crit I would give would be to possibly consider rearranging. Other than that, brilliant.
You punched the highlights out of her hair. YOU PUNCHED THE HIGHLIGHTS OUT OF HER HAIR!!!
#3
I remember when I posted here more always looking forward to your writing. It never disappoints.

If you don't mind me poking my nose in, I feel that the choruses' use of freezing/frozen could use a synonym standing in for one or the other.

And I love the third stanza's ending. "Before mistakes and flaws were written down." Solid writing that add an almost personal touch for what you really feel.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1508094
Smile could use a crit before I revisit and edit it.
#4
Very solid writing. Are you planning on turning this into a song, or will it be left as a poem? I like the "chorus" ... (the I've got that sinking feeling that puts me below freezing point.... part)
It kinda gives the sense that the song is about drugs, which gives it a kind of "desperate" feeling. I don't know if it's intentional or not, but I do like it! Check out my music in the link in my sig!