#1
(I've forgotten everything I thought I knew; it finally happened)


We gathered the dust and ashes;
the remnants of some ugly past.
now we laugh and smile,
as we pass them by;
restoration is the beginning.
this is hardly our final trial.
Last edited by clichealias at Jan 12, 2012,
#2
This feels like a smaller part of a whole. I don't want to say there isn't enough content, because there is a lot tucked in there... but it feels unfinished and not completely developed to me, which makes it hard to judge.

I thought "as they pass us by" was a really boring way of saying what you are saying... as it is, I think the piece would be better without it... but since it does unlock more content, I think it could do with a re-write/touch-up to bring out the quality of the idea.

Honestly, if you take the parenthesis line and your last two and stick them together, it's a hell of a triplet and I really enjoy those lines/the idea of them being together.

Oh.. and as a mathematician, I hate your title.
#6
Thanks you guys for reading this. I've always had a great respect for the three of you as writers. I ran with your edit, blake(that is your name right?); it was a good idea.

If I owe any of you guys critiques let me know. I'm trying to be a member in good standing on here as opposed to a cynical drifter.

It might take a while; I'm pretty busy lately. I'm doing a lot of volunteer work for local businesses. I'm also fleshing out some large scale novel ideas with a friend of mine. He's been through hell and back, as I have. I'll probably fill some people in on it as it progresses if anyone is interested.