#1
phoenix blood in those I love -
fiery in its disregard for frivolous pressures
satisfied with grasping the present
hungry to uncover every spark
striving to continue -
the embers flash in your hazel eyes
like a night creature, wide-eyed, watching.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#3
Outside of those last two lines, this read like rock flows. Every line jutted against the previous in a way that killed any sense of dance the piece had. At the end of each line, I felt like I had to pause and gather my tongue before the next line could start... and that pause really halted the read.

Good to read you, miss.
#4
the flow of this is ****ing terrible, I'll definitely make changes to some of the internal lines base off the suggestions you guys have given
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#5
nice reading and i like where your heads at. this seems a bit loose though.
not sure the title/first line/content relationship is really killin it just yet. it doesn't seem earned yet. phoenix blood seems more fair as the title even. or something in the poem to mover our attention from blood to fire besides fiery and then embers because it sounds like we're focusing on blood but really its fire in the eyes or something. i dont know.
its a good idea, a good moment, but feels ultimately inactive and even when your describing something still, an abstraction or thought even, it should feel consequential. its stillness should be an activity or a statement in itself. part of this seems to be a pull in opposite directions. 'satisfied' and then 'hungry' and 'striving' seems contradictory.

not really pumped about the tail of the last line. something almost redundant, expected, and overly underwhelming about it. I get the feeling I've heard people end on watching (or at least waiting) before and been equally unimpressed. it's hard to pull off and rarely done. I think beyond sounding a little cheeky, that is because it is somewhat limiting? Surely its not entirely limiting, but it's like giving us the first half of a sentence and


Ya see?
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
Last edited by jiminizzle at Jan 11, 2012,