#1
It will kind of sound like this when it's done. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=639uwpbgbAs
I dug this old song up from my computer. All I had was a chorus that wasn't very good, so I fixed it and wrote verses.

The song is about someone whose heart has just been demolished and he misses his loved one.

Set in Stone

VERSE 1:
A cloud of darkness hangs overhead
Raging in my mind
Stepping back to take a look at it
What a shame I'm so blind

I don't want it to end this way
Take me back for eternity
Let the waves take me away
Defying laws of gravity

CHORUS:
Not everything is set in stone
Some things will change
Along the way
Not everything is set in stone
You should have known

VERSE 2:
Finding out what life means to you
Not the same as what it means to me
Feeling nothing to hold on to
You should see what I can see

I can see a million rainbows
And a million black holes
And in the distance far away
I see the heart that you stole

CHORUS:
Not everything is set in stone
Some things will change
Along the way
Not everything is set in stone
You should have known

[Guitar Fill]

VERSE 3:
We first met under that tree
It was snowy and cold
Remnants of icicles above our heads
Gleaming like a crystal

And every time I look back on that
Fond memory
I think of all the time we spent
Days of glory

CHORUS:
Not everything is set in stone
Some things will change
Along the way
Not everything is set in stone
You should have known

BRIDGE:
Take my life away from me
I don't need your sympathy
Forever we'll find out
Everything we doubt
So wait for me in hell
I know that you meant well

I want to see you
One more time
Before you go and
let me die
alone

VERSE 4:
Fog surrounds my mind
Conscience ripped to shreds
Finding joy in endless sleep
Can't get ahead

Erase the slate and start again
Back at the bottom again
Slowly making my way up
Only left to wonder when

CHORUS:
Not everything is set in stone
Some things will change
Along the way
Not everything is set in stone
You should have known


Finally finished this song! Let me know what you think.
Last edited by gateway01 at Jan 16, 2012,
#6
Quote by gateway01
Took your advice and added 2nd verse.


The second verse is the strongest one.

Imagery adds life to a lyric, it's where you inject your own personal perspective into a work and stand out from the rest, but you have to commit to it. V3 for example:

"We first met under that tree
It was snowy and cold..."

Everyone has a different mental image of a tree so elaborate on yours. Snowy and cold is a very generic description. Knock out both of these with one stone and talk about how the branches of the tree wept under the weight of the snow, or something. It's easy if you form a picture in your head. Then you could use contrast statement about the warmth you feel remembering such a cold day, etc.

thanks for the crit. It's a working title at the moment.
#7
Quote by herodotus
The second verse is the strongest one.

Imagery adds life to a lyric, it's where you inject your own personal perspective into a work and stand out from the rest, but you have to commit to it. V3 for example:

"We first met under that tree
It was snowy and cold..."

Everyone has a different mental image of a tree so elaborate on yours. Snowy and cold is a very generic description. Knock out both of these with one stone and talk about how the branches of the tree wept under the weight of the snow, or something. It's easy if you form a picture in your head. Then you could use contrast statement about the warmth you feel remembering such a cold day, etc.

thanks for the crit. It's a working title at the moment.

I don't think I have enough room for that.
Actually I have already started recording that with my band. It's kind of a jazzy, rock ballad kind of song, I'll post a link when it's done.

And the second verse was my favorite. I wrote that after ali.guitarkid7 told me to use imagery.
Last edited by gateway01 at Jan 17, 2012,
#8
I like this song, I really do. The only problem, and a slight one, at that, is the waves defying the laws of gravity bit. I mean, they don't defy gravity, but then again, lyrical licence, so no big dampeners there. All in all, I really like the lyrics.
#9
I enjoyed it. 8/10. (IMO)

Quote by gateway01
VERSE 1:
A cloud of darkness hangs overhead
Raging in my mind
Stepping back to take a look at it
What a shame I'm so blind

I don't want it to end this way
Take me back for eternity
Let the waves take me away
Defying laws of gravity

I know the verse is probably meant to flow this way (Can't do youtube, so I'm sure it makes sense to you), but the difference in the amount of syllables threw me off (Not necessarily a bad thing, just different)

CHORUS:
Not everything is set in stone
Some things will change
Along the way
Not everything is set in stone
You should have known

VERSE 2:
Finding out what life means to you
Not the same as what it means to me
Feeling nothing to hold on to
You should see what I can see

I can see a million rainbows
And a million black holes
And in the distance far away
I see the heart that you stole

I am noticing a change in the rhyme scheme between stanzas. (Once again, it may be intended.)

CHORUS:
Not everything is set in stone
Some things will change
Along the way
Not everything is set in stone
You should have known

[Guitar Fill]

VERSE 3:
We first met under that tree
It was snowy and cold
Remnants of icicles above our heads
Gleaming like a crystal

I like the way you rhymed it. I forgot the name for it, but it is sometimes a good thing to include a "partial" rhyme

And every time I look back on that
Fond memory
I think of all the time we spent
Days of glory

CHORUS:
Not everything is set in stone
Some things will change
Along the way
Not everything is set in stone
You should have known

BRIDGE:
Take my life away from me
I don't need your sympathy
Forever we'll find out
Everything we doubt
So wait for me in hell
I know that you meant well

I want to see you
One more time
Before you go and
let me die
alone

Nice. Really brings the bridge together.

VERSE 4:
Fog surrounds my mind
Conscience ripped to shreds
Finding joy in endless sleep I love this metaphor
Can't get ahead I am not really getting the intention of this line.

Erase the slate and start again
Back at the bottom again
Slowly making my way up
Only left to wonder when

CHORUS:
Not everything is set in stone
Some things will change
Along the way
Not everything is set in stone
You should have known


The depression really came through to me. I did, however, notice that some parts did not "flow" in my head (Can't youtube, may be intended) and some rhyme schemes were only held for a stanza.

However, I generally enjoyed it.

As you can probably tell, I am not very good at critiquing things.
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