#1
Gloom slivers since waking point
cutting into tempor sides
while your mouth ran off
like a broken sink,
gushing sharper,
thornier flakes.

This new marble vase
you'll wrap in golden shawls,
leaving dusty to rust
and your rose edges to scrape.

**** you.
#2
...woah, that was powerful.

Love how you just curse them out at the end.

I think the vocabulary made it a lot better than it would have been without it.
#4
I'm on the other side of the spectrum from master gateway; I felt this sputtered in place quite a bit. I'm going to go through bit by bit.


Gloom slivers since waking point
cutting into tempor sides

I feel like your first sentence is a terrible way to start. It already feels stutter-y. Like you're cutting out words that need to be there. Here's an example of what I mean:
"ground shakes clown attack." This can be completely different depending on what I toss in the middle a) ground shakes due to a gigantic clown attack b) ground shakes like a Coulrophobic in a clown attack. One is an image I can see as a real image... a person who hates clowns quivering as one rushes toward him. The other, I can't envision without fantasy: a clown as tall as a building staggering through a cityscape. You need to give me more; because you're leaving the piece up to the whim of my imagination... which can be quite a strange place. You're writing this piece. You. Not me. Which means I need you to back away from the vague outlines of a thought and own up to your words. Don't get me wrong, sometimes the vagueness is used as a technique... but in this whole piece it is pervasive, to the point of undermining the piece. I won't harp on this anymore, but it's something that I felt dragged the whole piece down.


while your mouth ran off
like a broken sink,
gushing sharper,
thornier flakes.

I think the simile here is weak. You're working in a tiny piece here: not many words, which means when you lay out an image that is supposed to say it all, it needs to punch and kick. Here, it just sort of lays. I get the point, yes... but I'm not impacted by it. It seems calculated, and not nearly as angry as it needs to be to make me believe you are upset about these thorny flakes.

This new marble vase
you'll wrap in golden shawls,
leaving dusty to rust
and your rose edges to scrape.

This was nice enough. It crafted a nice concrete image in my mind. My nitpicks are these: the mouthfeel wasn't great. It didn't read well, or roll off of my tongue. The older I get (literary wise) the more I understand the importance of a piece flowing from the tongue. It's something I still struggle with creating, but a nice bit of editing to give this some sonics could go a long way. My other issue was the last line. You come back to the thorns/roses; but you don't harvest the power of the image. You go with rose edge scrape; which a) is a mouthful that doesn't come out right no matter how I say it and b) is underwhelming as an image; is it the petal edge? in that case, who cares... you're rubbing a flower petal against metal... nobody is gaining anything. If it's a thorn edge, well then we're etching the metal, and we're going somewhere, but why? It's ambiguous and you need to deliver more to it; more image, more metaphor, more something to draw this piece out and make it more you.

**** you.

What is the point of everything you typed above... both those stanzas, if they can all be summed up into two words? Why not just write the two words and call it modern art and be done with it. Hell, maybe write it in your blood on a wall... and you can call it "Understanding" or something. My point is... this is unnecessary. If your whole piece is just a lead up to a summary **** you; then you aren't using your words correctly. The point of this medium is to let your images talk for you; to craft something that no one else can see as you do. We can all see "**** you's." We all know that guy we'd love to strangle while screaming "**** your mother." What I can't see is the kitchen sink metaphor... so use that to show me why you need to scream **** you. Trust your images.


Well, hopefully that helps in some way or another. I'd appreciate thoughts on my piece "mephisto" in my sig. Cheers.
#5
Thanks a lot for the crit man, that was really helpful. The very last line (**** you) was something I put in out of a purely selfish sense of retribution, but it's not going to stick because I realize it brings the piece down. I'm still trying to work on my flowing, which lots of people say is weak and I realize that but for some reason I can't seem to understand how to do so successfully. But really, thanks a lot for your help and I'll keep it all in mind when making revisions.
#6
flow is a hard thing to achieve, trust me, I don't have it yet. If you just keep writing, I'm pretty sure it comes naturally. Even if it's not a lyrical piece, most good poems have a sort of beat that the reader reads to. Try reading your pieces out loud to yourself, or to others if you can, and try to follow a kind of beat.

EDIT: After some research, I found this. http://www.jonathanfields.com/blog/a-writers-life-rhythm-and-flow/


Quote by ZanasCross
I'm on the other side of the spectrum from master gateway;

I'm flattered and appalled at the same time.

Although I agree with everything you said. The sink metaphor was rather weak and the last line was rather pointless, but I was in a very bad place to type, so I made it short.
Last edited by gateway01 at Jan 20, 2012,
#7
Ah, cheers for that link man. I don't think I'll be making revisions soon since I'm in no mood to go crawling through memory lane, but when I eventually do I'll make sure to think of a replacement for the sink simile.