#1
There’s nothing in your power
for you to find your place within an afterthought
that was years in the making and, yet, uncontrolled;
gone with each mile.
Laughable.

I won’t waste your time


There are people around me
and I’m kneeling beside a fire
carefree (this is what I have turned to)
this is what I have become.
Last edited by Bleed Away at Mar 1, 2012,
#2
I really loved loved loved your first stanza.

I think your second stanza is a gimmick leading up to the "et al." line; which makes me sad. I think this could have been a lot more intense if you'd just do this as a second stanza:

I won't waste your time.
There are people around me
and I'm kneeling beside a fire
carefree (this is what I've turned to)
this is what I've become.

Or something along those lines. Forgive me re-writing the piece and putting my own twist on it, but if you get rid of those last three lines of angst, this really resonates with me. It's so on point and like a dagger to the heart of the issue until those last three lines... and then it's like a 14 year old that just found out he was allowed to swear (and Jesus wouldn't send a lightning bolt through his chest) got hold of your piece and wrote about being a loner.

Cheers.

I'd appreciate thoughts on Mephisto in my sig if you get a chance.
Last edited by ZanasCross at Jan 16, 2012,
#3
agree ^
not going viral


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