#1
is it just me or do females now balk at being asked to dinner or on a date? what happened to this culture?

it's sickening i still find myself swaying to your cadence
fondly remember your fragrance and the perfumes you wore
the heavily adorned ears, tears when you lost your patience
or the shorts you removed before cleaning the pans you baked in

(--this is what the piercings do:
they stick your heart and pierce it through...)

the smell of salt and liquor breath
my preemptive sense of regret
you told me you would drown with me
but i would want a quicker death
like a shattered head from windshield glass
or lying lungshot on battle grass

(--this is how cadavers form:
in love's caves where maggots swarm...)

that unpainted mouth is telling me
bland and trite savage lies
your eyes are the television to your soul
but i only see black and white static lines
i don't really mind it your affection was a practiced guise
practiced on other guys

not when the truth is i never loved you.
hell, i never even wanted to try.
the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn


#3
I liked the humour in the lyrics, and also the fact that you never keep a static chorus. I can imagine a few minor chords over the chorus, and happy-go-lucky, almost f**& you type chords on the verses. Good one.
#4
"that unpainted mouth is telling me
bland and trite savage lies
your eyes are the television to your soul
but i only see black and white static lines
i don't really mind it your affection was a practiced guise
practiced on other guys"

That was quite obviously the weakest of your stanzas. The flow was jittery and the wit had basically dried up. I think a lot of the flow issue fell out of the fact you are mashing together words that have such different sounds and tongue feel. Like "your eyes are the... to your soul" are all quick one syllable shots and then you wrap them around television, which is a four syllable monster. They don't play off one another as well. Also, lines 1 and 2 oppose one another... the second line has a staccato in "bland. and. trite." which really slows down the line, I think there is probably a better way to write that, such that it doesn't make me slow down and read the words "one. at. a. time." I think you should go at that with a careful editing eye. Plus rhyming guise with guys.... weak.

I hated your (-- anpdpwpanda) format. You gave it a stanza break... it doesn't need anymore than that to make it stand apart. I know this is most likely to be sung (since it has such gorgeous flow), but when you write it that way, you do strip it of it's elegance.

I think your ending couplet is extraordinarily weak when left behind all the inspired ideas of the first 4 stanzas. The first 4 are so different from the common ideas of the "genre" of piece you're in... and then that last couplet is so ordinary and standard and cliche all sorts of other disappointing words.

As a whole, I don't think this is going to win any awards, but it will stick with me because it is a different approach to a tired road... and it was well executed (for the most part). I hope you find time to go back through and re-approach the final two stanzas, because they really drag the piece down by both falling flat and stuttery throughout... which hurts the read.

I'd appreciate thoughts on Mephisto, found here: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1512255

Cheers,
Zach
Last edited by ZanasCross at Jan 17, 2012,
#6
"heavily adorned ears" seems a bit over the top in terms of describing that she simply wore earrings. sometimes simplicity is the most appropriate. the second stanza/verse, I think might benefit from toning it down a bit. so blatantly describing suicides or death to describe your lost love, you don't have to go to such extremes to describe the depth of your feeling. yes, love and death are so often intrinsically tied throughout literature, but this reads as simply over-dramatizing. it's your metaphors that kill it for me. I will say I do appreciate the conflict between the bitterness of a break-up, and the fond memories that still exist. That being said, I think in general, my issue was that the tone of this piece came off a little bit too unprovoked. Without a better sense of what exactly made this girl so terrible, it just seems bitter. In short, I can't really empathize.
art tumblr

If I'm not raw, I'm just a bit underdone.
#7
Quote by Cobrevolution
is it just me or do females now balk at being asked to dinner or on a date? what happened to this culture?


It's just you.