#1
Lust

shifting liquidly between the calcium reefs,
I swam, through floral patterns of surrounding fabric;
claustrophobia bent on dissuading me from the realism,
and gravity of the attempt to place myself
firmly
upon some shore.

some pink warmness resides here still,
pearls left behind the tide.
art tumblr

If I'm not raw, I'm just a bit underdone.
Last edited by Svetlova at Jan 20, 2012,
#5
Quote by GoodVibrations
My French teacher begs to differ.


thanks for the critique.
art tumblr

If I'm not raw, I'm just a bit underdone.
#6
Short and sweet but a little convoluted. Short pieces work in a sense that they condense a world of knowledge into a paragraph or two, almost like setting up a vague joke and ending with a strongly resonant punch line. The set up works, but I don't feel like the piece closes. To me it ends while leaving a desired resolution. A bit vague, but lyrical enough to sustain a nice flow that hums. But I don't feel there's an ending.
Poor advice.
#7
Quote by GoodVibrations
My French teacher begs to differ.


You have a French teacher. Congratulations, you're probably 19.
Poor advice.
#8
Quote by stellar_legs
Short and sweet but a little convoluted. Short pieces work in a sense that they condense a world of knowledge into a paragraph or two, almost like setting up a vague joke and ending with a strongly resonant punch line. The set up works, but I don't feel like the piece closes. To me it ends while leaving a desired resolution. A bit vague, but lyrical enough to sustain a nice flow that hums. But I don't feel there's an ending.


I think if you'd looked up the meaning of the title, you'd get the punch at the end. and also the set-up.
art tumblr

If I'm not raw, I'm just a bit underdone.
#9
You have a French teacher. Congratulations, you're probably 19.

early nomination for most condescending post of 2012.

i can't really comment on this based on feeling; our orgasms are too different. it reads nicely enough though.
the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn


#10
well, "mort" is an adjective, it translates to "dead", and if you use "la" you have to use "petite" but it's pretty good, reminds me of dream theater sorta for some reason
Call me Chris
Quote by jimihendrix6699
had a blast until the person in front of me whipped out his dick and started pissing all over the floor..

Ducks and guitars or fish and guitars. I lead a simple existence
#12
I've changed the title to Lust in order to end this discussion on how I don't know French. I liked the euphemism, but my misspelling has obviously prevented anyone from being able to actually read this piece at all.

so yes, PLEASE, don't correct my French anymore. If I could change the main title I would, but it's stuck the way it is for the moment.

does anyone have any other helpful criticism?
art tumblr

If I'm not raw, I'm just a bit underdone.
Last edited by Svetlova at Jan 20, 2012,
#13
I thought I gave it a decent go, and now that I know the title the whole thing registers better.

Shucks, guess I'm just plain simple.
Poor advice.
#14
Quote by stellar_legs
I thought I gave it a decent go, and now that I know the title the whole thing registers better.

Shucks, guess I'm just plain simple.


thanks Randy, you actually were very helpful, and actually brought up a legitimate point in that I think changing the title might actually clarify the content of this poem a bit more. I might have been too elusive with the meaning, so hopefully this helps.
art tumblr

If I'm not raw, I'm just a bit underdone.
#16
My only real crit is (surprise, surprise) the title. 'Lust' is a bit too straightforward. I'm also with stellar on that it feels like it isn't an ending (unless you've changed it since his crit, but I still think so). The last two lines in tiny pieces usually say a lot more than the rest of the piece, at least with my case. But the imagery here was definitely very solid and enjoyable.