#1
i'll scream the day
and watch you crumble
you fade into the grey
and you keep me from the stars
I'll try again
just don't close
your heart

the reverse
of the sky
makes me
want to say that
it will be fine
just once
could you say
you promise
you wont fade

i had that dream
where you said i love you
and we flew away
far into the night sky
i'll try again
just don't
your heart

the reverse
of the sky
makes me
want to say that
it will be fine
just once
could you say
you promise
you wont fade

i hope that you would say
that this love is true
but instead you just push me away
like i never mattered to you
my heart can't take any more
if only you knew
i tried to win your heart
i hoped i could break through

i want to take your hand and say i'll keep you
this time won't be the last
that i'll say i need you
because we only know where are heart will go
you just need to say i love you
the reverse
of the sky
makes me
want to say that
it will be fine
just once
could you say
you promise
you wont fade
away


i would like to hear what you people say.
any criticism would be helpful
#2
There are a lot of cliché words used, like stars, heart, sky, dream. I don't think it's wrong to use them, but it must be in a way that is refreshing. There are a lot of extreme feelings in it, but the the way they are expressed aren't new. Also, make the strophes more consistent. To me, it looks that I'm at the first verse of song whenever a new verse starts here. There are several ideas in it. Pick the one you can do the most with and elobarate on it. Think about what exact sort of feeling it goes. Brainstorm. Associate. Write everything you think.

A brainstorm example: in the first verse, goes it about wanting to not reaching you're goals (this can be about anything: girl, sports,...), and you can't do anything about it, wanting to scream, a desperate feeling because it's like a street without end? Stars are far away in space, are shiney, burn, and they go away with the morning. Compare the goals where you get the same feeling from with this particular goal? When do scream? When you're drunk? Turn the song into a desperate appeal to the stars?


My try (I'm not saying that it's really good). The star is a metaphore for the person I talk to:

You see, I've been waiting for the stars
And of all the stars I wanted you,
the brighest and loveliest (one)
And you have seen it, in the night
one gets to know all people's secret loves
Please don't weak with the morning
Last edited by niqolaise at Jan 19, 2012,