#1
i wrote this after i finished my calculus test... so it need revising, but it isn't bad for a first draft imo.. no chorus yet, just verses

it's the same old grind, just like yesterday
i try different things but you push them all away
you say i make a difference, yet i don't see a change
you want cooperation, but you're so quick to blame

this is all a joke to you, it's all one big charade
you sit there on your paper throne to watch your own parade
everything always goes your way, nobody has a chance
we are not your servants, for ourselves alone we dance

you tell us what to do, every single fucking day
where'd you get this power? will it ever go away?
where is your authority, to tell us what to do?
you say that you don't need us, well, we sure don't need you


by the way this is written about a god-complex lead singer... or the government

well i wrote music for it with my other band but i'd still like criticism...

i wanna bump this thing so bad...
Call me Chris
Quote by jimihendrix6699
had a blast until the person in front of me whipped out his dick and started pissing all over the floor..

Ducks and guitars or fish and guitars. I lead a simple existence
Last edited by IronMaiden76 at Feb 2, 2012,
#2
Quote by IronMaiden76
i wrote this after i finished my calculus test... so it need revising, but it isn't bad for a first draft imo.. no chorus yet, just verses

it's the same old grind, just like yesterday
i try different things but you push them all away
you say i make a difference, yet i don't see a change
you want cooperation, but you're so quick to blame

this is all a joke to you, it's all one big charade
you sit there on your paper throne to watch your own parade
everything always goes your way, nobody has a chance
we are not your servants, for ourselves alone we dance

you tell us what to do, every single fucking day
where'd you get this power? will it ever go away?
where is your authority, to tell us what to do? Take away the commayou say that you don't need us, well, we sure don't need you


by the way this is written about a god-complex lead singer... or the government

well i wrote music for it with my other band but i'd still like criticism...

i wanna bump this thing so bad...


HAHAHA I wrote a poem called Rain To Snow IN CALCULUS CLASS a couple years ago. Something about calc and poems...

The last verse is perfect as it is (aside from that comma). For the first two verses, I would change the last two lines of both. They are definitely (here coems the big UG word) "forced."

I propose for the fourth line of the poem to be changed to something like "you 'force' cooperation... blah blah blah blah blange." I don't like "quick to blame" (kinda cliche and uninspired) so I would come up with something new there.

LOVE paper throne! Great imagery there! but lines 3 and 4 of thast verse are not that good and again uninspired (particularly the last half of each of them...actually line 3 entirely.) I don't know how but I would completely take away those last two lines of the second verse and build completely new ones (perhaps referring back to the paper throne...that would be cool)

Last verse...PERFECT!

I like the poem, it is pretty good and the idea is there and you show potential for strong imagery...I would say work on the first two verses a bit more.

Thanks for your crit on "On Friends!" I appreciate it!
#3
nothing better to do in math class

i just got back from building sets for my school musical, i'm pretty tired, so i'll rework them tomorrow, but i do agree, they were sorta filler lines to keep the same length verses. thank you, i appreciate the crit! and not i don't have to bump
no problem man, i like having my work criticized so i assume others do too
Call me Chris
Quote by jimihendrix6699
had a blast until the person in front of me whipped out his dick and started pissing all over the floor..

Ducks and guitars or fish and guitars. I lead a simple existence
#4
hey this seems pretty good... im wondering if this was influenced by Pearl Jam, cuz it definitely gives off an Eddie Vedder vibe. also, i'd just like to throw in that i spend all my time in ALGEBRA 2/TRIG writing songs... sorry, no calc, but im only a freshman so that's next year
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#5
Sorry for bump, I'm just seeing this now. It really wasn't influenced by anything except a former band member
Call me Chris
Quote by jimihendrix6699
had a blast until the person in front of me whipped out his dick and started pissing all over the floor..

Ducks and guitars or fish and guitars. I lead a simple existence