#1
New dark narrative folk song. feedback would be appreciated

I made a deal to get what I wanted
To get what I thought I deserved
The heart of a woman whose mind is golden
Whose words are like the sea
So I bargained with a spirit on a dark winter night
And the moon was a witness to the deal
He said he would get me what I wanted and needed
And he would take my soul

I saw the reaper man
last night at the window
he waved his crooked hand
come to claim what's his

I'll creep out in the morning when the frost is thawing
and the light has yet to form
Go down to the village through the yawning hills
And the softly ageing trees
there's nobody round me but i'm not lonely
that's the safest way to be
wait in the tavern til the evening
until the ship comes in

I saw the reaper man
last night at the window
he waved his crooked hand
come to claim what's his

I'll walk down to the docks to escape my bargain
And play a trick on fate
With a pocket of aces and a heart of spaces
I'll sail across the sea
But I see him again down there by the water
And he tells me something grave
When he saw that I'd left her and cheated him squarely
He took his payment from her

I saw the reaper man
last night at the window
he waved his crooked hand
come to claim what's his
#2
nice structure with this piece. i like the 1st stanza with some of the imagery.

'spirit on a dark winter night'
'And the moon was a witness to the deal'

''I'll creep out in the morning when the frost is thawing
and the light has yet to form
Go down to the village through the yawning hills
And the softly ageing trees
there's nobody round me but i'm not lonely
that's the safest way to be
wait in the tavern til the evening
until the ship comes in''


i like this stanza as well. reminds me reading lord of the rings when the hobbits are running from the ring wreathes. i like what you're trying to accomplish with imagerary an atmospheric level in these words.

the chorus:
i dont feel it dark because the reaper reminds me of 'IT' the clown. a creppy figure. it lacks the darkness you're trying to accomplish maybe want to add some violence, insanity, or a horrible life experience in a different perspective. make me hate the reaper.

overall not bad because it has a nice structure to it. you may want to add more depth w/ the suggestions i made.


if you have a moment check out this piece i wrote. thxs

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1514808
Last edited by jod23 at Jan 26, 2012,
#3
Thanks a lot, I'll take your criticisms into account. Maybe the spirit isn't threatening enough, or doesn't feel real enough perhaps?
#4
I enjoyed all the imagery in this piece. Very descriptive and I'm a fan of pieces that paint mental images. Just a few suggestions though. The imagery is great, but there seems to be a lack of emotion. I mean you're great with describing the scenery, but I wanna know how the narrator is feeling. After all, having a spirit chase you down to claim your soul is gonna stir up some emotion. Lastly, I think punctuation would help with the flow. Other than that, it's good and I hope to read more from you soon.

Crit mine please
Triumvirate of Time
#5
Hm maybe it should be third person rather than first. There's probably not enough emotion because it doesn't come from personal experience. Thanks!