#1
I learned how to be a man
when I stopped being like other people,
especially my dad, with his sore red-eyes
that I once claimed to be mine (but I digress.)

I didn't look back
but it was not my business
to deprive others of my feeble guise
(why lie when there's nothing to conceal?)

I see it now: I have no one to trust;
no one person to call
my own
as I howl, “look mum, no arms…"
and tear up.
#3
Simple, effective, altogether brilliant. I find works like these to be incredibly motivating (as a writer, mind you).

I think it may have stumbled slightly in the second stanza, but I can't put my finger on it. I wonder if the "but" is necessary to start the second line. I think "it is not" rings better, but it doesn't excactly say the same thing.

Anyway, great stuff. Me enjoyed.
"Pain or damage don't end the world nor despair, nor fuckin' beatings. The world ends when you're dead, until then you have more punishment in store. Stand it like a man, and give some back."
#4
This was unreal, what you did with relatively few words and space. The only thing that stuck out for me was the hyphen in 'red-eyes'. This could be just how I read it, but I think it would flow a little better with the two distinct syllables.
In all honesty, though, that was a tiny nitpick just so that you could hopefully get something other than 'oh good job man!' from this comment, soo..
good job man!
#5
sounds good. very direct an flowed together well. what stood out for me was 'sore red eyes' from father. sore red eyes may relate to anger or something.
#6
Its a brilliant lyric. I think all are happy by reading this....
Last edited by lostprin36 at Jan 31, 2012,