#1
The danger is in my head
Just Waiting to be fed
By the hole in my heart
It keeps me from the start
But the lies are too strong
And it's far to late to right the wrong

Deceiving the kind
Will make me lose my mind
Forgetting the past
Is the spell you'll cast
In my head
You will soon find me dead

The empty shell is all I left
I'm sorry for the tears you shed
The goddesses call my name
To save me from the pain
Of seeing you cry
I will be the only one by my side

Deceiving the kind
Will make me lose my mind
Forgetting the past
Is the spell you'll cast
In my head
You will soon find me dead


I would appreciate any criticism
#2
The danger is in my head
Just Waiting to be fed
By the hole in my heart
It keeps me from the start
But the lies are too strong
And it's far to late to right the wrong


pretty straight forward and direct. vague words 'head an fed' though. dont feel an emotion connection. add of speculation to this maddness you've encountered. add some meaning an depth for the introduction. i do like the last two lines though. i understand the problem with lies thus judging right from wrong.

Deceiving the kind
Will make me lose my mind
Forgetting the past
Is the spell you'll cast
In my head
You will soon find me dead



i like the first four lines which is simple and direct. the rhyming is good there not great. i believe this stanza is the chorus to the piece. i get rid of the last two lines because it doesnt serve the purpose thus boring.

The empty shell is all I left
I'm sorry for the tears you shed
The goddesses call my name
To save me from the pain
Of seeing you cry
I will be the only one by my side


third stanza direct with relationship problem. seems direct and straight forward. this stanza i feel theres a emotion response to the rest of the piece. the problem i have is the 1st line because it doesnt connect with the rest of the piece. get rid of empty shell an get to the point.


overall i like the ideas you've written here. concentrate with the main theme and work on it with more depth an vocabulary.


if you have time check out my piece ive written. thxs

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1514808