#1
They say it'll all be falling in,
to black holes someday,
regardless of all our sins,
all matter will begin to fray

When everything collapses in,
before it gets so cold,
I'll still be sitting within,
feeling the same old

All my dreams of smiles, laughs and slow dances
will go down in tears
But i'll sit here once the bitter cold advances
because I've been doing this for years.

I've given up on taking control
No-one can climb out of a black hole.
No you can't climb out a black hole.


Yearning for the old town,
cus when time falls apart,
your head slams you down,
If your dreaming of a new start.

Your legs will fail you,
your soul goes black and blue,
what can a grafter do,
when even your future is through.


It doesn't matter what they say,
The answer is in a bottle,
but I just can't start to play,
my foot would stick on the throttle.

It's a cycle with a familiar end,
It will all fade from black to cold,
Too many times I've tried not to bend,
but I can't break the mould.

I've given up on taking control
No-one can climb out of a black hole.
No you can't climb out a black hole.
#3
I could say this on like 80% of the stuff I read on here, (mostly I don't), the ideas are here, but the rhymes I feel are just far too simple.

I assume this is meant to be a song, so the rhyming is fairly necessary, but the old/cold, in/sin, bottle/throttle, you/do, play/say, is just plain uninteresting to a reader. Doesn't mean it won't sound okay in a song, but it won't sound great.

Getting out of these simple rhyming methods, can be a tricky thing to do at first. I suggest you concentrate more on the images, and what you are trying to convey, and worry less about the rhymes. Write something really solid first, and then go back, if needed and make changes that will advance the piece of music.

I really liked the image of somebody try to crawl out of a blackhole, expand on that if you want. Anyway, good luck to ya'.
"Pain or damage don't end the world nor despair, nor fuckin' beatings. The world ends when you're dead, until then you have more punishment in store. Stand it like a man, and give some back."