#1
crit4crit
TRIUMVIRATE OF TIME

They want to keep me in the pound
Like I'm a hound from Hell,
But remember Cerberus
Is the greatest guard dog.
If it guards so vehemently
The nothingness in Hades,
Imagine how well he'll protect
The riches in Elysium.

It's a three-headed beast,
A holy trinity,
And a triumvirate of time.

No guardian angel by you
I am stationed at Hell's gate,
Don't need shelter from the world
You need saving from yourself.
'Cause you'd run into the flames
Just because you're a little cold,
But all of your shivering
Is only withdrawals from true love.

It's a three-headed beast,
A holy trinity,
And a triumvirate of time.

The moments we spent together
The hours we spent apart,
The years we waited for a scar like this
To fill the holes within our hearts.
#2
returning the critque...


They want to keep me in the pound
Like I'm a hound from Hell,
But remember Cerberus
Is the greatest guard dog.
If it guards so vehemently
The nothingness in Hades,
Imagine how well he'll protect
The riches in Elysium.


1st stanza
interesting intake of this piece with the greek influence and my favorite stanza. 1st stanza theme is set in the pound where the narrartor is a mean dog. you used hound to describe the christian hell an the greek mythology word hades. but the narrator is in the pound through in capitivity while cerberus is protecting elysium. i like the vocaburaly as well. i believe this is very well written.


2nd stanza
It's a three-headed beast,
A holy trinity,
And a triumvirate of time.

Mixture of christanity and greek mythology together. i like the words thrown in a song. I believe you could expand it leading up to the problem that's going to occur in the 3rd stanza.


3rd stanza
No guardian angel by you
I am stationed at Hell's gate,
Don't need shelter from the world
You need saving from yourself.
'Cause you'd run into the flames
Just because you're a little cold,
But all of your shivering
Is only withdrawals from true love.


this stanza isn't bad but i dont understand why the narrartor is stationed in hell who this other person is. i dont feel a struggle as i did with the 1st stanza. need to work on the describition an depth with the other individual . dont feel this stanza fits with the rest of the piece. i would replace hell with hades and stick to the greek theme. maybe you could use the greek god hades an persephone of the underworld references. just throwing it out there.

4th Stanza, Closing
The moments we spent together
The hours we spent apart,
The years we waited for a scar like this
To fill the holes within our hearts.

get rid of the 4th stanza because it doesnt fit.


overall i enjoyed the 1st two stanzas because i sense a direction an structure. i like when you use the word hell in christanity 'hound' an hades in greek mythology with the 'three headed dog'. i like the creativity an ideas an i believe this piece will be great.
Last edited by jod23 at Jan 27, 2012,