#1
It's been a while since I've posted anything on here, but this song is quite different to anything else I've done before, even though I haven't been writing songs for that long. This is the most experimental thing I've done for sure. I used to just stick to writing generic kinda melodic metal but I've been getting into more progressive styles and learning more about theory (even a bit of jazz) so I wanted to try and incorporate some of these influences into an actual song. This is what I came up with, and I'm fairly happy it as a rough draft. but I'm posting it here because I'd love some constructive criticism from some more experienced writers about how I can make this better and improve my writing C4C of course.

EDIT: Just realized there are a few random MIDI glitches in some parts...not sure if thats my computer or the actual file. But if theres random notes that hold on for way too long at certain points...that shouldn't be there XD
Attachments:
Neptune.gp5
Last edited by world-ablaze at Jan 26, 2012,
#2
In all honesty, there's not much room for improvement on this, and there isn't much that an experienced writer could say, either way, you've done very well.

So I haven't got a great deal to say but I'll give you my thoughts.

I absolutely loved the Intro, however everytime it comes in you should vary it. You can change the mode, key signature, it's boring if you leave it the same.

I loved the funky verse but I think it should be extended to double it's current length and maybe add in a Pipe Organ for variation.

I think the last two bars of the guitar solo should be harmonised for a more powerful ending. It will really add another dimension to your music.

I think the final intro (Bar 165) should be modulated in order to signal a climax. I also think the rate at which the volume decreases is twice as fast as it should be in the outro.

Otherwise I thought that was a great piece of music. I'm not a fan of Post-Hardcore but I know I'd love this piece if I was.

Although I already have a piece on here now I'll let you know when I have a newer one out as I'm quite happy with the feedback I've already got from that one. I'll pm you if this topic isn't still on the front page by the time I post it.

Keep up the great work.
#3
Wow. The glitch, delay and rhodes make one hell of a beautiful combination.
The next riff is decent, nothing special but decent. It's interesting enough.
The verse is sensational. Those funky rhythms and jazz chords make on sexy, potent combination. Sad it didn't go on for longer to be honest!
The next bit was okay, decent leads, synth felt a bit in my face though.
Chorus was nice, had an old school prog rock feel to it.
The Rhodes and glitch are back. Match made in heaven. And some slap too, nice touch.
The little solo was lovely, there was an interesting key change or chromatic moment n there which was cool. Couldn't put my finger on what just happened though.
Riffing is solid, some nice chords in there.
Haha there was a decent AAL moment in there, it's that half step transposition. Sounds lovely though, the 16th note clean lead is beautiful and also very AAL esque.
Lovely segue and the funk is back! Couldn't be happier about that!
And then the intro serves as a nice outro.
It's such a sensationally good song, my only complaint would be that I found the main riff to be a little dull. Not sure why exactly, it just didn't really do it for me. Your strongest moments are the clean interludes which are just amazing.
I'd ask for a critique in return but I feel slightly unworthy...
My songs are all located here .
Feel free to drop by and crit a song.
Leave a link and I'll return a crit



Colossus
#4
I have two things to say.

Measure 38: "let ring" notes last until halfway through measure 39.

And, the mixing... The sound got muddy at times, and some tracks didn't come through enough. Panning is awesome. ;]

That's it, though. Great great great song. I'm jelly. I'm gonna look up more stuff from you lol

Oh, and also... Here's a link to my song if you wanna check it out. ;]
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1514521
Last edited by Garb at Jan 26, 2012,
#5
Wow, I was not expecting such a positive response to this song! I'm glad you guys enjoyed it, I certainly enjoyed writing it...it was a lot of fun!

@HaydenHohns First of all dude, I've listened to a few of your songs and been blown away by how intricate and crazy they are...absolute stunning stuff. So thanks so much for taking the time to crit a less in depth kinda song haha...it means a lot. Anyway, I'm gonna try experiment with the ideas you brought up (especially like the idea of incorporating some organ in the funk section and extending it ) I'll also try out using a modulation when some of the themes from earlier in the song return.

@frankibo Funny that you say that about the main melody, I sometimes hear it and love it, but other times I just want to change it something else. Originally I was going to use it as the 'chorus' of the song, but I couldn't bring myself to use it like 5 times in the same song...that would definitely be overkill. But thanks for the kind words about the clean sections 'cause its my first time really writing clean sections with the kind of layering I used in this piece When I saw your name come up in this thread *I* was the one feeling unworthy of your praise man...your stuff is awesome. Actually, I think I remember you critiquing one of my first songs and being stunned by what you were writing compared to me! I'm gonna go check out your latest stuff now

@Garb The let ring thing is the MIDI glitch I mentioned in my first post! Damn, that sucks...so its not just my Guitar Pro screwing up? I can't figure out why that happens. Oh well, that won't be a problem if I ever record this song, so it's not a huge deal I guess. Agree with you about the mixing though, I should have though about panning when I was writing haha. Anyway thanks for your crit, I'll return it soon! Btw, if you look at my other songs and expect anything like this, you'll probably be disappointed, haha. I've only been writing since like August/September last year though, so I guess the crappiness of my first couple of songs can be excused. >_>
#6
Quote by world-ablaze
@Garb The let ring thing is the MIDI glitch I mentioned in my first post! Damn, that sucks...so its not just my Guitar Pro screwing up? I can't figure out why that happens. Oh well, that won't be a problem if I ever record this song, so it's not a huge deal I guess. Agree with you about the mixing though, I should have though about panning when I was writing haha. Anyway thanks for your crit, I'll return it soon! Btw, if you look at my other songs and expect anything like this, you'll probably be disappointed, haha. I've only been writing since like August/September last year though, so I guess the crappiness of my first couple of songs can be excused. >_>

Haha well, I think it happens because you technically only told the program "ring out" and never told it when to stop. I fix it by putting a ghost left hand palm mute (or something) whenever I want to stop it. That can take a few tries to find the perfect spot for you.

Also, definitely. This is really good for just a couple months. If you look at my older stuff you'd probably think I was a troll. lol
#7
Quote by Garb
Haha well, I think it happens because you technically only told the program "ring out" and never told it when to stop. I fix it by putting a ghost left hand palm mute (or something) whenever I want to stop it. That can take a few tries to find the perfect spot for you.

Also, definitely. This is really good for just a couple months. If you look at my older stuff you'd probably think I was a troll. lol


Ohh okay man thanks a lot. I'll keep that tip in mind when I'm writing from now on, cause that ringing out totally ruins the last few bars of that riff, haha.

Thanks man I've been learning a lot about theory but also just jamming a lot lately, which probably helps. I've definitely got a long way to go though, one day I'd love to be able to write music on par with that of my favorite bands Haha! Dude, my first stuff probably sounds pretty troll-worthy too. Hell maybe in a year I'll look back on this and think I must have been trolling
#8
I feel like I should be playing Megaman X when I hear this, and that is by NO means a bad thing. This is just beautifully epic. Normally anything "hardcore" I shy away from, but this was actually quite beautiful and melodic. The beginning was soothing enough to lead the listener in, but the lead fast enough to hint at what was coming next. and the transition into the heavy intro was just awesome. The funky verse sounded a tad weird in parts, but overall sounded good for being different than the rest of the song.

And when the slap bass comes in in "Mmm Layers..." just awesome. And the clean guitar in the background. Just so badass. The riffin' part was also awesome. I prefered the parts where the melodic chords landed on beats, not the lead lines in between, but that's just because of my musical preference. The chorus was great. The creepy part afterward seemed a bit strange, but not necessarily bad. It adds some nice flavor. And the funky riff was unexpected to happen again, but I enjoyed it. XD

I hate saying this, but there isn't too much to improve. You made a piece in a genre I don't really like that I enjoyed quite thoroughly. I praise, you sir.

If you'd like to C4C me, this is the one I've just posted. Here you go, sir. But really any of my pieces feel free to do as well, I'll try to match you crit for crit if you do/if you want. I don't do hardcore stuff, though. XD.
#9
I really enjoyed this. I liked the "latin" sound of the verse quite a lot. Also, the song really flowed well. You have a very unique style when it comes to Post-Hardcore type stuff, I would love to hear this recorded. I agree with one of the previous posters in that there is not much room for improvement. Thank you for sharing this.
The clock strikes midnight
When tomorrow and today collide
The moon is at its highest
And the twilight seems fitting
For in these moments
The light at the end of the world
Shines like a thousand suns....


Victor Gutierrez
#11
I don't really post on here anymore but I just had to say that this was quite a suprise. T&C has become such a crap shoot for boring generic pieces; I never see anything really worthwhile here anymore. I just wanted to say that you did an awesome job on this man, reminds me somewhat of Closure in Moscow. I love the slight jazzyness sprinkled throughout, keep at it dude!
#12
Hey man, sorry for the late crit.


Intro: Love the electronic drums and the rhodes really awesome stuff, only thing I could think of to add here is some bass soloing over the top, although the lack of bass does help drive the next section.

Heavy Section: Not too keen on that style of riffing on the rhythm guitar, but that's just me, it works well the melody though.

Funky Verse/Slidey Lead: Goddamn I love this part, probably my favourite part of the song. The chords used were awesome and the transition was spot on. Nice.

Chorus: Really catchy melody, works well as a chorus.

Chill: Nice to hear those electronic drums again and the bass in the following sections was excellent.

Riffin: Again, not really into that sort of riffing, but when you build on the chords it sounded excellent. The slides were a nice touch as well.

Not much I can say on this piece, it was all really well written, there were a lot of different parts but you were able to make it all work and not sound too contrived. Great Job.