hey, it's me again. nobody probably remembers me actually since I've posted only one thread on the whole forum, in this very section. for those of you who might remember me, I'm the guy with that "dangerous game" song about pornstars and dumb little everyday street-walking sluts.
this time I have something more emotional, deep and personal. I actually wrote this a couple months ago (more or less) but I lost the paper so today I rewrote the second verse and the chorus, with the first verse being the only "survivor" and what sparked my renewed interest in the song. here's a little background to the song.
as a teenager, I'm suffering from a pretty aggressive case of acne (it's gotten a lot better though... my face is actually almost completely clear right now). this and my altogether "awkward", odd, mercilessly sardonic (can't help it ... I swear I'm a nice guy), ardent personality haven't really made things easy for me on the love front. so this song is a narcissistic rant about my biggest crush so far that really had me bursting at the seams when it came down in flames... I tried to ignore the girl and just keep being friends with her (I like her a lot as a person as she's more intelligent and open-minded than most) but sometimes when I hear her voice or simply look into her eyes for long periods of time I just can't help but be overwhelmed by feelings. I know there'll be plenty of this stupid drama later on in life, I know I shouldn't think about it and really; all I wanna do is play guitar as loud as humanly possible and have some Chinese food now and then. honest. but I just can't keep away.
enjoy, and any feedback is appreciated. right now actually my mind isn't really clear so probably I should wait till tomorrow when I'm fresh, read it again and then decide if it's worthy of sharing, but what the hell.

Down in flames, a sailor lost at sea
Swaying, going where the currents carry me
Easy come, easy go, anyway the wind blows
Slowly but surely I'm dying, and it never shows

When, oh when will I ever learn
Headed for ground zero, gaining speed
Sweet cyanide, how I feel it burn
You're all the poison that I'll ever need

Can't close my eyes, I can't keep away
The flames they draw near, tell me to stay
Well I always knew it'd be a matter of time
Before my passion turned into crime


Still I know how it feels
Set me free, set me free



It's just a cruel joke of probability...

p.s.: "Before my passion turned into crime" nothing really happened. I haven't actually committed any crime obviously. it just seemed like a cool thing to write for some additional darkness thrown in there.
p.p.s.: and yeah, I've actually worked on the music part of the song and I have some really Dokken/Motley Crue-ish (as in classy and melodic but still aggressive, ratty and spontaneous) riffs down that I think work well together. I haven't written the solo though because I wanna take my time and do something awesome. been toying around with a lot of minor-scale arpeggio/tapping thingies and general melodic lines that might make the cut.

peace out.
i actually enjoyed reading this... the background of it is how im feeling now at the moment. as for the song its really mnice, sounds like it would be brilliant with a good harmony to it. the crime thing does give it a bit of darkness, hence powering the song up. but in all honest its brilliant and i have no critiques to make

electro-acoustic guitar player
(looking for band in or near rayleigh - essex - UK)
thanks for your feedback, much appreciated. outside opinions can really help you and make you more confident.

anyone else? I'm curious to hear other people's thought and suggestions so comment away!
I like the "dark" approach to music. It's like there's a certain beauty in insanity. Great lyrics, some of the greatest lyrics come out of failed love. Nothing really to say, you can always improve, but "improving" is all personal stuff and involves your own goals for your music. I enjoyed them, can't really find anything "wrong" with them. I'm happy this wasn't a cheesy sad love song.
P.S. Don't worry about the girl. Crap happens! I wrote a few tunes about failed love and posted them on soundcloud in my sig, check out "Sidelines" and "Rebels" especially, kinda remind me of your lyrics.
Keep it up!
I really like this.
I think the best line of the whole song is "Down in flames, a sailor lost at sea."
That one line somehow manges to set the whole mood of the song up in really cool way.

Nice one