#1
above your life and mine, sitting in quiet on a silver planet,
finding headlights float on highways in tranquil pursuit
as if nothing ever mattered. nothing, even you.

with absence in the night, often i'd alternate in several forms
like seeking out a stranger in the loud, purple lights,
or like listening to obscure singing in my dorm room-
textures and tones which loomed in my life only to lessen
the feelings of my own obscurity.

some four odd years passed in search of some sort of opulence;
i've retained little besides bad habits (i know, i touch you too much when i'm drunk)
and a presumptuous grasp on true love. i mean, look at the stars.
think of all the worlds waging wars on one another,
the luminous streamers crashing into our back yards.
Ha, these wishes pile up like dishes in the kitchen, but they're always different.
no more sanctums honey, no more beds with strange women in them;
only lovelessness - something that proves i'm very lucky
to hear my heart still beating.
here, My Dear, here it is
Last edited by SubwayToVenus at Jan 30, 2012,
#2
I liked the first two stanzas, not so much the last: it was more prosaic to me.
not going viral


Hot E-Cousin of rjaylaf

Non Evil E-Twin of stealstrings

E-NEMESIS of deathdrummer
#3
Quote by SubwayToVenus
above your life and mine, sitting in quiet on a silver planet,
finding headlights float on highways in tranquil pursuit
as if nothing ever mattered. nothing, even you.

with absence in the night, often i'd alternate in several forms
like seeking out a stranger in the loud, purple lights,
or like listening to obscure singing in my dorm room-
textures and tones which loomed in my life only to lessen
the feelings of my own obscurity.

some four odd years passed in search for some sort of opulence;
i've retained little besides bad habits (i know, i touch you too much when i'm drunk)
and a presumptuous grasp on true love. i mean, look at the stars.
think of all the galaxies and worlds waging wars on one another,
and of the luminous streamers, the alien lifeforms and lovers,
bridesmaids and groomsmen, husbands and wives-
we're all lucky to be alive, i guess some are luckier than others.


It's a very nice piece. There are some moments of very beautiful writing in it. Particularly I enjoyed the second stanza. That sort of imagery reminds me of an aesthetic that's very close to what I'm living right now. My only qualm with the piece was that I think at some points form got slightly in the way of what you were trying to get through in the last stanza. It feels some times as if you're trying to deconstruct your feeling into beautiful images but at the same time I think you've masked some of what you feel behind these images. But not in a good way. I don't know. It's been a long time since I've read pieces and tried to give crits.

I enjoyed it, is the bottom line here, really.
#4
thanks for reading guys. if you have anythang you want me to look at, let a brother know. as for the piece, i tend to get into this bad habit where i just start listing things instead of hammering out concrete images. ive made some edits above and i think its better and gets my point across more clearly. the flow might still need some tinkering but im willing to really flesh this one out. thanks again.
here, My Dear, here it is
#5
I'm not sure which version I prefer more, the current or the quoted. I do generally agree with his perception in that you're getting lost in your own piece. Perhaps that's what makes this one work?
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#6
thanks culex. i actually like this version better although there are some lines that i'm not too fond of (which may be a product of getting lost in my piece and letting my stream of consciousness go). thanks for reading again everyone
here, My Dear, here it is