#1
The layers in the hound bucket
Allow no course to dine.
Plates are scraped, no morsel spared,
Save for that which made it there.

Chef says the waste was fine
Fit for bitches tracing the hair
Of foxes dug into holes of retreat
As captors ride on thorough bred seat.

A white terrace filled with air
Warm from hunters eating fare.
Where servers move on sorest feet,
Taking back a bitch hound's feast.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
Last edited by freshtunes at Jan 29, 2012,
#2
I should say something before I continue to disect this: your way with words is really, really something I look up to. You connect with me in a way that resonants and sounds wonderful when read out loud. I appreciate a lot of writers on this forum, but you have a particular way with words that I definitely admire.

And as a critique, the only thing that irked me was the opening sentence. It didn't click with me. And as a result, everything after it lacked the cohesion sometimes necessary for what I would consider a slightly cryptic piece. It took me a long time to figure out a meaning for myself - and I'm still trying to do so.

In other words, I am personally of the belief that if the opening line/sentence is as clear as possible, without sacrficing the overal structure of the poem or song, then the rest will be easier to piece together as you read through it.

Like I said, though, that's just a personal opinion. I don't actually know whether it's good advice or not, so take it with a pinch of salt. It's just something that helps me understand someone's work, including my own.

Overall, it's strange to read a peace like this. It's strange in a good sense, because it's not common for S&L to showcase something with this type of fluidity and technique, and the theme of it, which I suspect is about the greedy and bloodthirsty sport of fox hunting, is not a regular theme to be used. It's less about oneself and more about an important topic that happens to be of... 'interest' to you. It's nice.
#3
Thanks for noticing the technique. I've been trying to be a bit more disciplined with it and less jumbled.

And thank you also for bringing the lack of clarity to my attention. I worked as a waiter at a hunting/equestrian/golf club in new england for a while and we were ordered by the chef to throw the scraps that the rich people ate into this hound bucket. Often times, the rich (especially the moms trying to watch their weight) would waste perfectly good food. Essentially, I am trying to place the hunters and their hounds above the foxes and the wait staff.

Attach a link if you would like me to read a specific piece of yours, otherwise I'll just shoot for the most recent. Thanks bud, and your name?

-Nick
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#4
Ah, that's cool. I had it on the ball, then. Not to suggest that getting off the ball is a bad thing, but it's nice to know we're on the same page.

Also, I had forgotten to mention how fantastic your play on words were. "sorest feet" = forest feet, linking to the fox hunting. "Fit for bitches tracing the hair" = hare, as in more hunting.

And then there is the beautiful rhyming from the likes of "Plates / scraped", "spared / there", and the more obvious but still awesome ones. Great, great writing.
#7
I really enjoyed this. It immediately brought to mind all those paintings from the 18th and 19th century.

I agree with what AngryGoldfish said above, the whole first stanza seemed a bit cryptic on the first read through, and then I stumbled on thoroughbred, because I don't believe I've ever seen it split like that. So I read it 'through bred'.

Anyway great piece, and congrats on WotW!
"Pain or damage don't end the world nor despair, nor fuckin' beatings. The world ends when you're dead, until then you have more punishment in store. Stand it like a man, and give some back."