#1

Where Birds Go to Die


We wanted to make an end:

to film rain from under bridges,
to make lines on a map,

to give up rusted bicycles
to cages of thorns
in strained heave s.
and in the silence between country houses

in A.M. Afternoons
where nobody’s at home

and no one’s gone out,
we wanted to wonder that the days ever happened
by the time coyotes call,
to flashlight into evenings
as soft as shedded insect shells,
air wet with colorblind cold
and low clouds parted into campfires
beneath skeletons in March Midnight breath,
lifting an old d e a d b i r d we’d once known
from powdered wood
of hollow treetrunks
where it stiffened
in sickness, to be set in the fire and become powder itself,
leaving black pine needle bones,

For the same purpose we keep tapes
of something as simple as rain to listen to
when the forecast
is dry for the day, and For the same reason
we never imagine roads take people away
or that planes even exist

or that the stiff sheets and TVs
and bright lights and repeated smells mean we can’t have any of it
or the time to tell:
to keep ourselves safe with tattooed wrists, along farm roads
and river banks,
and to learn a place so wholly, not a birds nest
or fox den goes
unadmired,
disbelieved, unwitnessed,

that to walk among it is itself a perfect memory,


and we wake each morning as if we’d moved great mountains in our sleep.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
Last edited by jiminizzle at Feb 7, 2012,
#2
Apart from quite a few grammar mistakes, I see there's hardly any structuring. You start and then you go "<this> and <this> and <this>" until the end. I felt some kind of fatigue just reading this.
#3
such beautiful imagery and thematic presence. i also enjoyed the little wordplays you slipped in there (A.M. Afternoons, we flashlight into evenings). And while I somewhat agree with the poster above, I tend to think there is a reason for the runniness of some these lines. Images blend together with one another, the end of one joins the start of another. Although I can't articulate it perfectly, it feels like it's somehow related to the first and last lines. Just can't put my finger on it. But you're a great enough writer that I trust you that it's there.
here, My Dear, here it is
#4
Thank you very much, guys. I appreciate the observations.

Ryan, it means a lot.

I'll return comments soon.

Put up some edits hopefully to the effect that the point i hoped for is more clear. This typically has some really sprawling formatting. Not sure if yet if it's better the way UG autoaligns it all
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me