#1
the stalks on the dunes sway but don't bend,
frozen on a winter wind, frozen in time to pause a moment
and ask myself "remember when?" weekend after weekend
below the indiana blue; my sister and i were smaller then,
the girls were more awkward then, and less caught-up,
the locals talked with more of a drawl - it's still strange to hear
how everything i learned to love has now moved on,
either to colleges on the coast, or new vacation homes,
or away from here. ask me to explain fear in five seconds
and i'll answer your question with another question;
remember when castle walls were of wet sand -
they housed kings and nights of precious, our only protection
against tomorrow shedding light on the residual, the remnants.
when exactly? i don't know. somewhere along the line
you fell alseep and were taken in by the tide, swimming alongside
pharoahs and mutual friends. i sensed the absence then and finally awoke
and at first i felt so sorry for you,
until i realized i was alone.
here, My Dear, here it is
#2
remember when castle walls were of wet sand -

here, i feel you need a something after were - not made, or sculpted, but something along those lines// else, remove of altogether. it reads a little bit awkwardly right now.

also,
i sensed the absence then and finally awoke
and at first i felt so sorry for you,
until i realized i was alone.

i'd switch up the order of words and condense it a bit. to something like
i sensed the absence then and finally awoke
feeling so sorry for you at first,
'til i realized i was alone.
this is mostly a personal thing of mine, it reads well as is, i just think that last little bit can be cleaned up to really work to its full effect.

i reallyreally enjoyed this though. especially the first half of it up to drawl. the sounds coming across my lips were perfectly executed, an effect i've been trying to incorporate but i think i've been overloading. you did it great here.
the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn


#3
thanks for the suggestions man. i too was a little concerned about the flow of it. i want to read smoothly but i might need to do some restructuring to get that desired effect. i also appreciate the kind words
here, My Dear, here it is
#4
Beautiful and sad.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#6
I really like the way you made you this visually a treat. Throughout all the different thoughts and ideas, it still remained calm and kept your mind's eye fixed on that one image of a windy beach. It brought back a lot of memories for me, mostly good ones, and the vast amount of concepts really kept me reading.
#7
^thanks a lot man, i appreciate it. and thank you for the recognition. im honored
here, My Dear, here it is
#9
this is a perfect idea that fell short for me in the execution. i think you can tighten this up a whole lot. not sure specifically how yet though. either way, great piece with some excellent moments. you owe it to yourself to revise it
#10
Technology really didn't matter in the end. The way they finally were able to defeat the aliens could have been done the exact same way 100 years ago.