#1
This Town of Fog and Grit and Shit

Theres a fog over this town,
stretching down beneath the sewers,
feeding thoughts of midnight seances,
of smashed glass nuances, bar fight queues.
And then I forget, where I am.

This town's been monochrome,
for as long as I dare to think back,
ripped clothes, vomit adorned.
Abandoned house, and burning hatchback.
And then I forget, where I am.
#2
This is pretty good, I like the overall imagery, and thought to it. It has some nice word play, and subtle rhyming.

I feel however, that each stanza is going someplace, and then it ends, without the thought being completed, which makes it read a little awkard, and incomplete. Upon a second read aloud, I found it even more awkard.

I think that it is either, not long enough, or not to the point enough to really satisfy my appetite.


Quote by ultrasonic
This Town of Fog and Grit and Shit

Theres a fog over this town,
stretching down beneath the sewers,
feeding thoughts of midnight seances,
of smashed glass nuances, bar fight queues.
This town's been monochrome,
for as long as I dare to think back,
ripped clothes, vomit adorned.
Abandoned house, and burning hatchback.
"ADD A LINE HERE "
And then I forget, where I am.


"And then I forget. . ." is a line I don't feel should be repeated, but it is a solid ending.

This was my first thought, and I still feel you could build upon this, but you can do whatever.
Just my two cents
"Pain or damage don't end the world nor despair, nor fuckin' beatings. The world ends when you're dead, until then you have more punishment in store. Stand it like a man, and give some back."