#1
First song I've written in a long time. Feedback, please :-) Re-wrote it, chords are Em-C-G-D

You, sit there with that blank look on your face.
Every time I want to see you, I must give chase.
I don't want to say that you don't love me,
But I fear my dear it's true, there's only apathy.

You're so, apathetic.
You're so, apathetic.
I'm pathetic.

All I ever do is say I love you so.
One a week it seems you're done, at least you tell me so.
Always love you, always will, that's what you said.
Now you're gone, look who's laughing- I have your sister in bed.

You're so, apathetic.
You're so, apathetic.
I'm pathetic.

You're so hard to make happy, don't you know it?
Tomorrow, just like last time, you'll be back- you've blown it.
Take your tight cute little butt and turn around,
Walk out of my door my life and this whole goddamned town.

You're so, apathetic.
You're so, apathetic.
I'm pathetic.

You come back and say you care and apologize.
It'll be the same next week, all you say is lies.
You said you love me, look at that, the tables have changed,
Being this close to you, it causes me physical pain.

You're so, damn pathetic.
You're so, damn pathetic.
I'm apathetic.

I don't think you ever loved me,
A year of my life is just gone.
All of your friends are on my side,
And by side, I mean my mattress. You're not the only one who can do that.

Few months later I see you, there you are.
At a folkie show of mine at the java bar.
You know, it's weird because you never liked my songs,
It would almost make me smile, if it wasn't so wrong.

You're so, damn pathetic.
You're so, damn pathetic.
I'm apathetic.
Last edited by pielover375 at Feb 11, 2012,
#2
Quote by pielover375

You, sit there with that blank look on your face.
Every time I want to see you, I must give chase.
I don't want to say that you don't love me,
But I fear my dear it's true, there's only apathy.


Not bad, just you made the other verses almost the exact same thing.


When you say you don't love me, I try not to believe you.


That makes you sound obsessed...


Maybe I wrote this song to play it for you,
Or maybe for everyone else, yeah that's what I think I'll do.
You never liked it when I played for you anyway,


I think you should consider re-writing this part. I don't find it a good idea to break the third wall in writing with something like, "this song" as I find it to be bland.


You're so, apathetic.
You're so, apathetic.
I'm pathetic.


Don't put yourself down in song-writing, especially during the chorus which is repeated like four times. It will only hurt you everytime you sing/hear it and show low self-esteem to listeners, which is generally a turn off unless you want a croud of under-achieving teens that are like, "Meh life suckz OMG!!!".

I hope I wasn't too harsh, but hey someone else may like it when I don't. criticising writing is always subjective, and even if you are told it is too great, don't get discouraged. I'm sure you can do better and as you said, it is the first thing you've written in a while so it could just be a warm up.
#3
Good to see that you are writing again my friend!
Mmmmm...I'd have to admit that this song makes me a little....apathetic. The whole concept is kind of a moot point....she doesn't like you...you know it but are in denial...but you bother to write her a song anyway...

I think this particular subject has some pretty promising potential however. I can see some use of irony coming in pretty handy here....perhaps there were instances where you were indifferent as well?
Maybe you matched her cold responses with some of your own (however fabricated they may have been), and she, finding herself no longer in control, questioned your change in behavior?
Just an idea.

Play with the story a bit. Throw in some color with abstract details...what kind of makeup was she wearing when she told you that she didn't love you? What was her body language? Did she nervously study her nails or did she stare into your soul? Did you realize that you had forgotten an important appointment right before she told you? Did the location you were in when she told you bring back a memory?
She's "done" once a week? done with what? your attitude? your friends? your cologne?

Also, don't be inhibited for the sake of a rhyme.

Haha just some ideas. Good job.
Last edited by leilalauren at Feb 10, 2012,
#4
Ahh Moline, I remember you!

Let's see here, this appears to be a heartbreak song, which are always tough. All the words are here, but again I find that there is nothing to seperate this from any other heartbreak poem/song. Could've have been writtten by anybody. There is just no real personality in here. Try describing things more, when you talk to her what was on the TV? What was she wearing? Was raining? Nice day? Were you alone in the hall? Were the lights out? Were the lights neon? Ect, ect. . .

I think that the 'world politics' line is the only one that resembles something personal, because it feels like it might have been something that was shared. These are hard things to write about, I know. But be honest with yourself, and then after you are honest with yourself, be more honest with yourself. Think of your second line, 'I must give chase', and then think if ever in your life you would utter that. Use your personal dialect, your slang, your vernacular, and split that with accurate description of events being told.

Read, read, read and I suggest checking into some great heartbreack songs, and studying the lyrics. I suggest Tom Waits, Eddie Vedder (Black, & Footsteps are great examples), Ben Nichols, and Brian Fallon off the top of my head.

By the way your chorus slightly reminds me of Bound to the Floor - Local H.

Well good luck to you sir.
"Pain or damage don't end the world nor despair, nor fuckin' beatings. The world ends when you're dead, until then you have more punishment in store. Stand it like a man, and give some back."