#1
this is not a dream, not yet at least,
not until your scents and vapors on red cotton sheets
flurry up and away; until it forces us
into an inorganic form of euphoria;
til we refuse to share in suffering, resort our feelings
to a summer fling, our times together as tequila treasures,
billowed covers as burials to spare us both of what
lay wounded underneath.

no apologies and no promises if you end up a hostage
with blood pooling in my bed. my heart is swooning instead,
so unassuming and yet, so obvious, i know.
your flannel shirt is off, your mascara and lipstick
may play devil and angel in the shadows.
tonight we'll leave the lights on, and move nimbly
with each kiss less courageous than the last.
and if one day you become shrouded in memory,
at least i'll have this.
here, My Dear, here it is
Last edited by SubwayToVenus at Sep 13, 2012,
#2
this has just become one of my all-time favorite pieces of poetry.

first stanza, though: i'd switch scents and vapors for one another. same deal with devil and angel. and billowed covers is cumbersome, i was thinking of pillows because of the following bed.

the second, jesus. i can't think of anything to say. this is exactly how i feel a poem should read - the rhymes are more than clever, they're astounding in terms of choice and placement; it's written highly intelligently; and the substance is clear as hell and real as hell.

amazing job.
the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn


Last edited by Cobrevolution at Feb 14, 2012,
#3
wow thank you so much. i really appreciate the kind words. i agree that the first stanza could use some fine tuning. the flow is not as tight as id like it to be. thanks for reading
here, My Dear, here it is
#5
thanks man. i really appreciate that. i see you have something on the first page so imma get to that real soon
here, My Dear, here it is
#6
finally!!!!!!! I can see you now.
Quote by Arthur Curry
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theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#14
Second stanza was definitely stronger, with a killer ending. The first stanza read a bit clumsy but was still well written, overall. Great job.