#1
Revised thanks to first crit.

People always write to me, seeking my best advice
But you all turn away, and just when I need you the most
So I look up towards my feet - and down at the silver linings
I could never do this for a living
even if you all forced me.

Scanning the horizon - find a lovely plane, while winter turns into summer
as God gently places them together.
I wonder if you'd come and see the sun if he never showed his face?

Hallucinogenic incarnations--
and the figurehead is growing!

Slowly but surely I'm becoming my mind's eye;

Receiving demanding letters calling for me to resign.

Quit the task and left them for dead, I just haven't the patience these days

People have been writing to me for years, but they'll have to help themselves now
And I bet folk find a replacement, as quickly as they found me
Last edited by samoo at Feb 15, 2012,
#2
Hey Sam,

Good to read something. If I'm honest, this feels a bit rusty. The first paragraph in particular seems to really lack in "readability," if you will. It was a fight to get my eyes to go down the page because it took off so slowly and got bogged down in a lot of words for what seems to be a fairly straightforward idea.

I like the second stanza quite a bit... though the "God- see the son" play on words has been done to death, so that came across as a bit less than fresh.

The last 5 sections is where I felt like you hit a bit of a stride. It wasn't cleanly together... so I couldn't just read down without thinking and appreciate an image or something, but the efficiency with the words and the delivery found a rhythm, which allowed me to settle in and read while letting my mind run with the words. I don't think it's the strongest thing I've ever read, but it developed a nice picture in my head of who the author is and what this is trying to get to me. So, that's a plus.

Like I said, I'm glad to read you again. I think you should get back into this writing thing... you have a unique voice and it's great to read it again.

Cheers.