#1
Baby, wait for me I'll come home
I promise Our Kids won't grow up alone
Baby, wait for me I'll come home
even though I'm gone you won't be alone

Kiss Me, Hold me one last time
Write me, Tell me you love me,
in every line
Be strong for me, and I'll be Strong for you
I'll think of you, in everything that i do
Baby, I love you

Baby, Send me Pictures from Home
I want to see how much the kids have grown
Baby Send me your perfume
I miss every single smell of you

Kiss Me, Hole Me One Last Time
Write Me, Tell me you love me,
In every line
Be strong for Me, and I'll be Strong for you,
I'll think of you, in everything that I do
Baby I love you
(Repeat)

Baby, Wait for Me
I'm Comin Home
i pormosed you our kids wouldn't be alone
Baby, Please Don't Cry
I'm Home
Baby You don't have to be alone
I love you
Baby I love you
Last edited by Nrsandback at Feb 21, 2012,
#2
Quote by Nrsandback
Baby, wait for me I'll come home
I promise Our Kids won't grow up alone
Baby, wait for me I'll come home
even though I'm gone you won't be alone

The rhyme scheme seems a little off to me. You rhyme "alone" with "alone" and "home" with "home".

Kiss Me, Hold me one last time
Write me, Tell me you love me,
in every line
Be strong for me, and I'll be Strong for you
I'll think of you, in everything that i do
Baby, I love you

This stanza just didn't flow well for me. I would adjust some lines, and read it aloud to yourself, to see if it sounds right to you.


Baby, Send me Pictures from Home
I want to see how much the kids have grown
Baby Send me your perfume
I miss every single smell of you

There's no rhyme here. A continuous rhyme scheme is pretty standard in poetry and songwriting. Also, the last 2 lines are...never mind.

Kiss Me, Hole Me One Last Time
Write Me, Tell me you love me,
In every line
Be strong for Me, and I'll be Strong for you,
I'll think of you, in everything that I do
Baby I love you
(Repeat)

Same as above, although I hope to God that "Hole me" was a typo.

Baby, Wait for Me
I'm Comin Home
i promised you our kids wouldn't be alone -fixed a typo
Baby, Please Don't Cry
I'm Home
Baby You don't have to be alone
I love you
Baby I love you

This last stanza is my favorite. I like it a lot.


All in all, not bad, but needs tweaking.

Hey, did you see my sig? (if you're US)
#3
Thanks for the input! I tried to upload the song, but the file was too large, but if you go here its the video called "home"

Btw thats really nice (your signature)
Last edited by Nrsandback at Feb 23, 2012,
#4
I posted all the songs at My Band Profile You can hear how I did it, let me know if there are things that still sound off to you? Thanks again for all your input!
#5
I don't know if "baby" should be used quite so often, it's kinda common for lyrics. Try to spice it up with some other affectionate words. However I do see a strong repetition with it so maybe you should keep it, just depends on how attached you are to it as a lyric.
#6
eh not so attached... that recording was really the rough draft idea... the band still needs to get together so we can put a full one together so I'll talk it over with them. Thanks for the input! Its very much appreciated I'll let ya know when we make a new one so you can hear it new and improved!
#7
You filled up that much space with I miss you, I'll come home for our kids.

It's shallow and very vague. I have absolutely no connection to the protagonist, his wife or kids and there's not even a mention of war in the song. It's obvious you're trying to write about something you don't know, try writing something closer to home next time.
Music is an art form that celebrates potential. So long as you're looking for it, you'll always find it.
#8
Quote by Mr.Pink101
It's obvious you're trying to write about something you don't know, try writing something closer to home next time.


Edit: REmoving Pissy Response Regarding My Army Service
Last edited by Nrsandback at Feb 24, 2012,
#9
Lets put it this way then, you didn't show anything personal in this piece and it felt distant. I don't think I'll be signing up any time soon, I'm too delicate, however I don't think you should get so worked up over a harsh critique.
Music is an art form that celebrates potential. So long as you're looking for it, you'll always find it.
Last edited by Mr.Pink101 at Feb 24, 2012,
#10
Okay, Sorry for being an A$s, how did it seem distant and impersonal? I wrote it with a deployment in mind but specifically left out references to war so that it can apply to more than one situation for the listener, however, If you have suggested improvements, I'm all ears.
#11
Quote by Nrsandback
Baby, wait for me I'll come home
I promise Our Kids won't grow up alone
Baby, wait for me I'll come home
even though I'm gone you won't be alone

Kiss Me, Hold me one last time
Write me, Tell me you love me,
in every line
Be strong for me, and I'll be Strong for you
I'll think of you, in everything that i do
Baby, I love you

Baby, Send me Pictures from Home
I want to see how much the kids have grown
Baby Send me your perfume
I miss every single smell of you

Kiss Me, Hole Me One Last Time
Write Me, Tell me you love me,
In every line
Be strong for Me, and I'll be Strong for you,
I'll think of you, in everything that I do
Baby I love you
(Repeat)

Baby, Wait for Me
I'm Comin Home
i pormosed you our kids wouldn't be alone
Baby, Please Don't Cry
I'm Home
Baby You don't have to be alone
I love you
Baby I love you



To me this whole piece has a touching, bluesy overtone to it. Is it fantastic, no. But I can feel what you are going through with it. Perhaps it's because of having multiple friends who have gone through this exactly but I connected to the piece. The repeated lines didn't detract me.

For a piece of poetry it's subpar. As lyrics to a heartfelt ballad, it would work great in my opinion. Because of it's nature it just may not be for this board.

Best of luck and my condolences for your losses friend.

Edit: Oh and I feel this piece is all about war. The folks that go are usually leaving family, friends and life behind. A lot of them think of nothing else except what's waiting for them back home. That is, of course, when they are not in action. I don't know first hand but I sure have seen it in my friends and family and I sure can sympathize.

crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=29202600#post29202600
Last edited by merriman44 at Feb 24, 2012,
#12
I thought you said the word "Baby" too many times, but otherwise, I got chills dude the first time I read over the chorus. Nice job.
#13
Okay, Ill definitely edit some of those "baby's" for somethin else, thanks man