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#1
Hey guys,

I figured the last anti-joke thread has been out of commission for a good while, and I think there is a difference between an anti-joke and a regular joke. So here we go!

For those who don't know, an anti-joke is a joke that has no clear punchline, or is intentionally not funny.

"You can pick your nose, you can pick your friend's nose, but you can't rob a bank. That's a felony."

"What did the lawyer say to the other lawyer? We're both lawyers."

"What's worse than seeing a worm in your apple? The Holocaust. What's worst than that? Two worms in your apple."

"What's brown and sticky? A stick."

"What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint."

"What do you get when cross chocolate chips with a muffin? A chocolate chip muffin."

"What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car? Robin, get in the car."

"A black guy, a white guy, and an asian all walk into a magic shop at different times of the day to purchase different products."
#2
A Priest, a Rabbi, and an Imam walk into a bar. They distance themselves from each other because of generations of ideological tension between their religions.
Check out my band Disturbed
#3
What did the mod say before he closed this thread? "Gay".
"You're not hardcore unless you live hardcore"
#5
Knock, Knock.

Who's there?

Dave.

Dave who?

Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.
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#6
Quote by Kensai
Knock, Knock.

Who's there?

Dave.

Dave who?

Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.


sometimes I see us in a cymbal splash or in the sound of a car crash
#7
Why did the little boy drop his ice cream?

Because he was hit by a bus.
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A horse walked into a bar. Several people got up and left as they spotted the potential danger in the situation.
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What did the boy with no arms and no legs get for Christmas?

Cancer.
Quote by lambofgod127
btw im in hs and im almost 18 so if u do think she was flirting with me dont say that its wrong im almost a grown man.




༼ ▀̿Ĺ̯▀̿ ̿ ༽ WE ARE ROB ༼ ▀̿Ĺ̯▀̿ ̿ ༽
#8
"A boy in southern Ohio owned a dog. Everyday people told him that his dog was the shaggiest dog they had ever seen. The boy's parents hated this. Anyways, the boy later discovered they had contests for shaggy dogs. He decided to participate, much to his parents disdain. He started with smaller, local competitions. He won by a landslide. The judges remarked that his dog was truly shaggy. The boy, who had finally built up his confidence and joined the worldwide shaggy dog competition. There were hundreds of dogs lined up. When the judges finally reached the boy's dog, they said, "The dog is not so shaggy."
#9
"What's worse than seeing a worm in your apple? The Holocaust. What's worst than that? Two worms in your apple."

but thats funny

edit: thats hella funny too vv
Last edited by jrcsgtpeppers at Feb 22, 2012,
#10
- How do you confuse a blonde? Paint yourself green and throw forks at her

- Theres an irishman, a jew and a homosexual standing at a bar. What a fine example of an integrated community.

- Why cant Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle? Because drawing a perfect circle is impossible for any human.

- A visibly exhausted and distressed man walks into a bar and orders a strong drink.
"Long day?" the bartender asks.
"No, all days are 24 hours long" the man replies, amazed at how uneducated the bartender is.
Last edited by Necrotise at Feb 22, 2012,
#11
"At the beginning of the school day, Danny was walking to school when he overheard a group of boys talking about, "Purple Passion." Curious, Danny asked the boys what Purple Passion was. The boys were disgusted by Danny and beat him up. Danny shrugged the beating off and went to school., albeit with a black eye. Concerned about Danny's eye, his teacher asked him what had happened. He repeated what happened and asked her about Purple Passion. In a fit of rage, she sent Danny to the office. When Danny arrived at the office, the principal asked him what had happened. Again, he repeated his story and asked about Purple Passion. The principal, furious with Danny, expelled him from the school district. When Danny was getting picked up by his mom, he was asked to repeat his tale. He did, but when he asked about Purple Passion, his mom drove off without him and told him to walk home. Danny began crying uncontrollably. He began to walk home and when he crossed the street, he was hit by a car and died. The moral of the story? Look both ways before crossing the street."
#13
It's business as usual for a bartender, and one day as he is cleaning his bar when an unusual customer walks in. The man is dressed in an expensive suit, has a beautiful supermodel hanging off each arm, and has a limo parked outside. Furthermore, the man has an orange for a head.

The customer sits down at the bar and orders everyone a drink. He pays for it from a roll of hundreds and manages to get the attention of every woman in the joint, despite having an orange for a head.

The bartender is not a man to pry, but he feels compelled to ask about this man's life.

"Excuse me," says the bartender, "I can't help but notice that you're obviously fabulously wealthy and irresistable to women, but you have an orange for a head. How did that happen?"

So the man told his story.

"A while back, when I was penniless, I was walking along the beach and saw an old lamp, half buried in the sand. I picked it up and gave it a clean, and POOF! out popped a genie. The genie explained that he had been trapped in that lamp for two hundred years, and that he was so grateful to me for freeing him that he would give me three wishes.

"For my first wish I asked for an unlimited fortune. The genie said 'It is done!' and from then on, whenever I needed money, it was there.

"For my second wish I asked for the attention of all the most beautiful women in the world. The genie said it was done, and since then I have been able to get any woman I wanted.

"For my third wish -- and, this is the bit where I kinda ****ed up -- I asked for an orange for a head."
>>-(ಠ_ಠ-<<
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Quote by dudetheman
Dude, your fucking sig creeps me out.

Quote by Kosh H
I just noticed his sig too...I feel uncomfortable now...

Quote by WantsLesPaul
Your sig killed my boner _


DIY SO-CAL PUNK LABEL
#14
Quote by DempseyPunk
It's business as usual for a bartender, and one day as he is cleaning his bar when an unusual customer walks in. The man is dressed in an expensive suit, has a beautiful supermodel hanging off each arm, and has a limo parked outside. Furthermore, the man has an orange for a head.

The customer sits down at the bar and orders everyone a drink. He pays for it from a roll of hundreds and manages to get the attention of every woman in the joint, despite having an orange for a head.

The bartender is not a man to pry, but he feels compelled to ask about this man's life.

"Excuse me," says the bartender, "I can't help but notice that you're obviously fabulously wealthy and irresistable to women, but you have an orange for a head. How did that happen?"

So the man told his story.

"A while back, when I was penniless, I was walking along the beach and saw an old lamp, half buried in the sand. I picked it up and gave it a clean, and POOF! out popped a genie. The genie explained that he had been trapped in that lamp for two hundred years, and that he was so grateful to me for freeing him that he would give me three wishes.

"For my first wish I asked for an unlimited fortune. The genie said 'It is done!' and from then on, whenever I needed money, it was there.

"For my second wish I asked for the attention of all the most beautiful women in the world. The genie said it was done, and since then I have been able to get any woman I wanted.

"For my third wish -- and, this is the bit where I kinda ****ed up -- I asked for an orange for a head."



I love this one. It's just such a let down.
#15
There was a man named Sulio and Sulio knew EVERYONE in the whole world!!! Once when Sulio got a new job, Sulio says to his new boss, "Boss, I know everyone in the whole world!" His boss doesn't believe him, so he says "No you do not know everyone in the whole world" but Sulio says "Yes I do!" so Sulio's boss says "Well prove it!" then Sulio says "Pick someone... and I know them!"

Well Sulio's boss thinks for a minute and then comes up with a name. "Tom Selleck! I bet you don't know Tom Selleck!" Sulio says "Tom Selleck! Tom and I were in boy scouts together when we were kids!" but Sulio's boss says "No you weren't!" then Sulio says "Yes we were!" so they fly to Hollywood and drive up to Tom Selleck's house. Sulio knocks on the door and Tom Selleck answers and Sulio goes "Tom!!!" and Tom goes "Sulio!" and they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Sulio's boss can't believe it. But then he thinks "Well that could happen, it's just one person," so he tells Sulio and Sulio says "OK, pick somebody else!"

This time Sulio's boss has someone in mind! "The president, Bill Clinton! You don't know Bill Clinton!" but Sulio says "Oh yes I do! Bill and I were on debate team together in college!" Sulio's boss says "No you weren't!" and Sulio says "Yes we were!" so they fly to Washington and they catch up with the President at a press conference. They work their way through the crowd until Sulio get's close enough to catch Clinton's eye and waves "Bill!" and the President waves "Sulio!" and after the press conference they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Sulio's boss is stunned-- he can't believe it. But then he thinks "Well that's just two people in one country-- that doesn't mean he knows everyone in the whole world!" so he tells Sulio and Sulio says "OK, pick someone out of the world spectrum and I know them!"

And Sulio's boss knows just who to pick so he says "The Pope! You do not know the Pope!" and Sulio says "The Pope! The Pope BAPTIZED me!" and Sulio's boss says "No he didn't!" and Sulio says "Yes he did!" so they fly to Rome where the Pope is giving Mass in front of hundreds of thousands of people. They work their way through the crowd-- without much luck-- so Sulio says "Boss, we're never gonna get there together through all these people so I tell you what--I'll work my way up there and when I do, I'll give you a sign that shows you I know the Pope!" and he leaves. Well Sulio's boss waits and waits and waits and just when he's about to give up, he sees the Pope come out onto the balcony and right there beside him is Sulio!

Shortly afterwards, Sulio's boss passes out. Sulio comes back and finds his boss passed out and he fans him and says "Boss! Boss! Wake up!" and when his boss comes to, he asks "Boss what happened?" Sulio's boss looks at Sulio and says "OK, I can see Tom Selleck. I can see Bill Clinton... hell, I can even take the Pope! But then the kangaroo ate the barbed wire!'
"People like Coldplay and voted for the Nazis; you can't trust people."
#18
Quote by carnagereap666
This would have been better if it wasn't as random. It is still a good joke, but I feel a more logical bland ending would have been funnier.

Yea, I changed the last line from 'A bystander standing next to Sulio's boss asks him "Hey, who is that up there with Sulio??" that. It's funny for me because one of my brothers mates actually did tell a really long-winded story once that everyone tuned out of, then ten minutes later realised he was still going on and he finished it with the line 'and then the kangaroo ate the barbed wire'.
"People like Coldplay and voted for the Nazis; you can't trust people."
#19
Quote by carnagereap666
I love this one. It's just such a let down.

I disagree I thought it was funny as hell. I've liked half the jokes in this thread. I hated the Shaggy Dog one so much that I didn't read the Encyclopedia you posted after it.
#20
Quote by MegadethFan18
I disagree I thought it was funny as hell. I've liked half the jokes in this thread. I hated the Shaggy Dog one so much that I didn't read the Encyclopedia you posted after it.


I know. I'm saying it is funny. You expect there to be some kind loop hole that the genie made, but in reality the man just wished for an orange for his head. I'm saying I liked it. It is a good anti joke. I also found the Purple Passion one to be one of my favorites.
#21
Anti-jokes are either genius or really fucking stupid. Sulio was good until you changed the ending.
Quote by Athabasca
My ex did the same. Cheated on me and then acted like I'd given her sister a facial. Women are retarded.
#24
"Why did the chicken cross the road?

To reach the other side"

One of my favorites from the last thread...
#27
Why did Basti95's post deliver absolutely nothing amusing or clever?
He was just trying to fit in.

Quote by whoomit
Why did the kids bully the retard in the playground?

Because he was black.



edit: Orange for a head
Last edited by Basti95 at Feb 22, 2012,
#28
What's white and can't climb trees?

A fridge.
...Stapling helium to penguins since 1949.
#29
"Why was six afraid of seven? It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear."

"Why is one side of a geese' V formation longer than the other? It has more geese in it."

"Why wasn't the blind girl at the party? She wasn't invited."

"A man walks into a bar and gets drunk."

"What does it mean if you can't find your wedding ring on your wedding day? You lost your wedding ring on your wedding day."
#30
Quote by Basti95
Why did Basti95's post deliver absolutely nothing amusing or clever?
He was just trying to fit in.
The fact that the joke has a point that's meant to be funny makes it a normal joke. By posting a normal joke in an anti-joke thread, you're not fitting in. The fact that you're not fitting goes against the point of the joke. Thus your joke is it's own antithesis, or "anti-joke". Therefore; you're posting what is actually a normal joke, but it's actually an anti-joke...
#31
Quote by lncognito
The fact that the joke has a point that's meant to be funny makes it a normal joke. By posting a normal joke in an anti-joke thread, you're not fitting in. The fact that you're not fitting goes against the point of the joke. Thus your joke is it's own antithesis, or "anti-joke". Therefore; you're posting what is actually a normal joke, but it's actually an anti-joke...

Why did this not make sense? Because it's bullshit.
#33
Why can't Stevie Wonder read?

He's black.
Quote by slash11896
I picked up my guitar this morning and started playing next thing i know i cant stop playing In the key of A, the first letter or her name, I ended up recording a whole song in A.


Quote by WhiskeyFace
I like women with balls.
#35
What did the boy with a short attention span
...Stapling helium to penguins since 1949.
#38
Quote by carnagereap666
Not an anti-joke. But who cares?

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive? She was a woman.


Filthy hypocrite
Quote by slash11896
I picked up my guitar this morning and started playing next thing i know i cant stop playing In the key of A, the first letter or her name, I ended up recording a whole song in A.


Quote by WhiskeyFace
I like women with balls.
#39
Why can't black blind men play hockey?

Because they're black.
sometimes I see us in a cymbal splash or in the sound of a car crash
#40
A filthy hypocrite walks into a bar and sits down.
The bartender asks him his poison
"I'll have an appletini on the rocks"
Neo Evil11
Quote by jambi_mantra
They let black people on Fox now?

They also let white people into the KFC and the NBA now.
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