#1
crit4crit
DEVOTION

I put you up on a pedestal
So high that now I can't reach you
Your hair's like autumn so I hope you fall
Like a leaf so I can catch you
On a matress stuffed with feathers
That the gods use to weigh our sins
I stole those from them 'cause in my world
Only you're worthy to sit in judgment

I hold your word sacred like scripture
And believe it like scientific fact
Even if I can't have your heart
I will always have your back

Your cathedral is beautiful
But it's the mass that matters most
Perfection when you show some skin
And even better when you expose your soul
A crude and simple way to explain why
Why I love you but I'm more concerned with how-to
No I'm not a sunday christian
Everyday I will be devote to you

I hold your word sacred like scripture
And believe it like scientific fact
Even if I can't have your heart
I will always have your back
#2
Can't fault much there, clever wordplay throughout. Maybe "filled with feathers" instead of "stuffed with feathers" for the alliteration and because "stuffed" isn't as elegant. Love that hook line too, "Even if I can't have your heart, I will always have your back". That's really good.
ANNA ME - Two piece alternative rock band from Macclesfield. We write pop songs and sing them over heavy, toneless noise.
#4
Quote by JakePlaysGuitar
Wow this is really deep, I was hooked from the first line!!
Have a look at mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1525631


Critique better than that if you're going to ask for one back.


You already know I'm a fan, so here we go.


Quote by themarsvolta

I put you up on a pedestal
So high that now I can't reach you
Your hair's like autumn so I hope you fall
Like a leaf so I can catch you
On a matress stuffed with feathers
That the gods use to weigh our sins
I stole those from them 'cause in my world
Only you're worthy to sit in judgment

Solid opening, wasn't blown away by the first two lines, but the word play in "autumn so I hope you fall" was great, followed by the leaf line. Awesome lol. I would just remove the "so" after "autumn" because when reading that section out, it feels a bit cluttered. Loved the mattress as a scale line, but I felt the last two could be a bit stronger.

I hold your word sacred like scripture
And believe it like scientific fact
Even if I can't have your heart
I will always have your back

Switch "sacred" and "like" for unimpeded alliterative bliss. Good stanza, reminds me of La Dispute's "Andria."

If I can't love you as a lover, I will love you as a friend
And will lay a bed before you, keep you safe until the end.


Your cathedral is beautiful
But it's the mass that matters most
Perfection when you show some skin
And even better when you expose your soul
A crude and simple way to explain why
Why I love you but I'm more concerned with how-to
No I'm not a sunday christian
Everyday I will devote to you

Try seeing what "and even better with your soul exposed" sounds like to you, to me it fits a little better and removes a syllable I could stand to lose. Great ending, great work.


Solid peace, I love how it stayed true to its original line throughout. It got the message of an almost unhealthy, but still charming, devotion to one person across perfectly. Not your strongest but I really enjoyed it.
Last edited by blake1221 at Mar 11, 2012,
#6
Verily, I enjoyed your lyrics. Having dedicated so much emotion to one person is a phenomenon that ate up my late teens and early twenties. I could see myself in parts of your poetry/lyrics. Thankyou
#7
Pretty good,
In the line "And believe it like scientific fact" I think you need to find a shorter word for scientific.

here, "Perfection when you show some skin
And even better when you expose your soul"
If you change exposed to show, I think the repetition would work really well.

Other than that, really good.
#8
Pretty much my favorite post I've read in the lyrics forum, well done! I think I disagree with Brayf though about the line "Stuffed with feathers". The symbolism in the rest of the song is awesome but to me it seems like the colloquialism in that line brings a kind of charming contrast and adds to the piece on the whole. I'm probably reading into it a bit much, and maybe changing it to "filled" would benefit the elegant feeling of the piece, but that is just my opinion. Cheers!
#9
nice man i like these lyrics. The word are well pick. And i like the 2 line at the chores "Even if I can't have your heart I will always have your back. To me was one of the strongest line in there. And the you nail the second verse. Really i don't anything bad to say good lyrics
#10
Two piece alternative rock band from Macclesfield. We write pop songs and sing them over heavy, toneless noise.