#1
The light in here Is reflecting nothing
I can hear my heartbeat rushing
The Darkness blinds my helpless hope
Im losing grip on the end of my rope
Somethings crawling under my skin
Its killing me slowly from within
I need to get out I need to get free
Before I lose my sanity!

(Chorus)
I’m Claustrophobic, Schizophrenic
Slipping into a violent panic
Running in a waking coma
I can’t see through this glaucoma
Someone Help me someone save me
Before I go completely crazy
The other side is pulling me
Into the abyss of insanity


Not quite sure where else to go with it, how do y'all like it thus far?
#2
honestly, I imagined it sung as if it were from Scooby Doo if they were running through a temple. You know, wind instruments and loud drums. Not a bad thing, just interesting.
#3
Quote by Nrsandback
The light in here Is reflecting nothing
I can hear my heartbeat rushing
The Darkness blinds my helpless hope
Im losing grip on the end of my rope
Somethings crawling under my skin
Its killing me slowly from within
I need to get out I need to get free
Before I lose my sanity!

(Chorus)
I’m Claustrophobic, Schizophrenic
Slipping into a violent panic
Running in a waking coma
I can’t see through this glaucoma
Someone Help me someone save me
Before I go completely crazy
The other side is pulling me
Into the abyss of insanity


Nothing wrong with a rhyme when it suits, but a bad one will make a point moot. Hehehe sorry.

what I mean is you seem to be rhyming for rhyming's sake. It's simply not required and many times takes away from the song. The second thing I notice is that the piece (probably due to the forced rhyming pattern) reads like a long list of unconnected phrases. Alot of metal vocalists do this and imbues this idea that they are real deep at first read. Then after you read it again you realize it's complete rubbish.

I would say take out the rhymes and try again. You will be surprised how liberating and how much more cohesive the product will be .

Crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=29202600#post29202600
#4
ok, sounds great, thanks dave, Yeah, I was having some trouble with that...I figured if you rhym it, than it would sound weird for lines that don't rhyme, so i figured it would have to be one or the other...but I'll definitely try that, I bet it would open up alot of doors if I could put in words I wanted instead of words that rhyme, but Thanks for the input man
#6
Sounds a lot like Slipknot... I haven't listened to anything that hard for awhile, but if I recall correctly, they had a song, where he mentions this theme along the same lines. So... Yeah. Haha. It's interesting.