#1
Haven't wrote in quite some time.
_______________
They tumble,
lovers into a black heaviness;
hell bent -

Idle, unready, unsure,
blue and in waves of hellish water.
Black water gotten heavy
from a swamp's clingy soil,
the one we all fell in.
Worry less,
lest you slip, drown.
Lest you act young and broken down.
Lest you become our old dog -
dug black soil
pushed his weight to it
til' he became it.

Listen to your shade,
it can see behind you, guarding;
Helpfully anticipating,
I do believe that
and do accept them
becoming a kettle boiling,
whistling in their annoyance.
The shade fills with soil
and the soil with water
and the water with life
and your tolerance sinks.
Life sharpens and is pulled
by your gravity. Its gravity
and silent knees - beckoning ferocity.
Young seniors will know the meaning,
if they see from a tower lingering,
the two-faced-ness of words.
Sharp as life
and just as lodged in the back.
They'll see.
Last edited by ali.guitarkid7 at Feb 26, 2012,
#2
the pronouns threw me off. the we's, i's, they's etc all made me think of a dozen characters in this and i couldn't pinpoint any of them to identify with or pay attention to.

idle-like is cumbersome for me. just idle. lest we **** up, too, i think that's a great spot for referring back to the water or the soil. worry less lest we bury ourselves, lest we act young and broken down. also would remove the and after dug.

listen to your shade, it can guard what's behind you, what's creeping, something like that. 'in' between them and becoming. line break before its gravity. two faced ness is really tripping me up. try to find a single word that really highlights that?
the final three lines, i guess maybe it's just me but i don't know what is sharp as life and just as lodged in the back. the subject, i mean. gravity? since you already said life sharpens, that'd mean life is as sharp as life, but i know there's a blade image somewhere in there.

i liked it and i think it can be quite good with some cleanup.

also the middle of the third stanza really reminded me of jean toomer's Cane. give it a read, great piece of literature.
the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn


#3
Really dig some of your suggestions and made a couple edits accordingly. And as for the last three lines, it's not really gravity that I meant. I meant knowledge. The poem's main theme is youth and knowledge given from an older (or in my case, faintly precocious) perspective, and the last few lines of the third stanza was this sort of self-aware and somewhat vague thing I put in to give it a type of mild undertone. I think I should fix the pronouns in the second stanza, everything from 'lest we..' was confusing for me too. I didn't know whether to count myself as an old person, or young

Thanks for the crit and for the recommendation man, I'll look into getting and reading Cane next. Loved the idea of it.